tears of fury

Its a rare thing, when someone can get me so beyond furious that I cry.

I just wanted to be left alone. ALONE. SOLO.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5XNWFw5HVw

But no. Blow up my phone and skype... and THEN run to my mom telling her something is very wrong with me.

YOU are whats wrong with me! You stress me out more than school, more than my mom, my sisters. The last time i felt this way, my life was turned upside down by a divorce.

Please, take a moment to fathom the magnitude of that.

It amazing though, how someone a million miles away can get on skype and make me smile instantly.
I wish he was here. I need someone to hold me together. I honestly feel like im physically falling apart.
Im sure everyone goes through this phase in their life, where they absolutely hate where they are.

He says hes sorry and that he'll change.  huh, idek if i care. Im still in this indifferent state of mind. If he changes, great. If he doesnt, i wont be surprised.

I just want to curl up in a ball and be left the fuck alone... and now im hungry. huh. geezus

wooooosssaaa

No, you dont "need" me. You want me, but you dont need me. You shouldnt even NEED someone unless you are dying. Needing me to come hold your hand is unattractive.
Spinning in circles, beating my head against the same brick wall over and over. When will it stop? When will you stop? Just give up!
Ha, damn, I really am a cold bitch. But I cant just be what I am not. Comfort people? I dont know how to do that. I dont even want people to comfort me. Its usually forced upon me.

One thing i do realize. You must have a lot of love for me. Because I have never known anyone to be so persistent. You are like a pitbull. Just not letting go. Even though i have basically told you i am not coming to see you tomorrow.


let it go.

If it wasnt midnight and everyone wasnt alseep, I would scream at the tipy top of lungs, curse you and call you ever name in the book.

I hate you. I really do. I hate you. For making me have to spend the day in a smoke filled cancer causing house, and not a nice clean museum. I really would love to punch you dead in the face you fucking pansy.
Do i hate you? Or do i hate myself for giving in?
Its always one excuse after another. "has hasnt smoked in a week":
OF COURSE HE HASNT.
Im so sick of the smell of cigarette smoke.
Im sick to death of sitting in house. As if i dont do that enough at my own house.

Right back to being numb. You know what I dont understand? Why is it, that its totally ok that I am clearly coming up under so much protest? Does that not bother you in the least? Do you not care? Like.. Im really confused as to who the selfish one here is? For half a sec i really thought it was me, because i am unwilling to go see you in yout "time of need"... but you really just begged me, for well over on hour, i think, way longer than that, and I PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT, most people would understand that, now i hold such resentment cause i was very excited for my plans to go visit the museums. Now i am condemned to spend the day in a damn house watching a damn game that i care nothing about.. oh yea, i am so excited.

lol you really asked me if i was going to be unhappy going up there? You really dont have a clue, do you. smh. I swear... you will be the death of me. . .

And you still dont care about my blatant resentment.

Get back to where we are? That all depends on if you ever actually grow the fuck up. Show me that, and I'll start putting forth effort again.

I feel like such a weakling for crying over a BOY no less. no man should ever make you cry. but a boy? smh. i am so weak.

Now to just cry myself to sleep and face my mother tomorrow. She will be so disappointed.