shama lama

Relationship Survey. It could be interesting. Pop one in my ask.
A: Who do you like, and why? this guy. and because i think hes amazing.
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? I will get back to you on that one
C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end? 15 months. He lied to me about everything and he sucked in bed
D: Have you ever changed for someone? If yes, how? not really. At least i dont think so
E: Pretend I'm your ex, what do you want to say to me? walk away before i run you over with your own car.
F: Have you ever been cheated on? yeup
G: Have you ever cheated? No
H: Would you date someone who's known for cheating? If yes, why? no. settin yourself up like shit
I: What's the most important part of a relationship?
J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? neither anymore. relationships are over rated.
K: When you are dating someone, do you believe in going on "breaks"? no. "breaks" just mean you want to go fuck someone else. stop lying.
L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? 4
M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret staying in a relationship that i was not happy in for way too long
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? 17-18
O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not? no. Age DOEs make a difference. There are exceptions to every rule of course.
P: What about "love at first sight"? Why or why not? Hell. No. you cant LOVE someone off their looks.
Q: Turn on's? Intelligence, respects women, abs, dominant sexual personality
R: Turn off's? weakness, emotional, sub sexual personality, lack of abs, stupidity
S: What do you consider a deal breaker? respecting my decisions
T: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? when his name showing on the screen of my phone pisses me the fuck off lol
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? no. been single for...a month and some change? not sure
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? im still friends with someone ive dated
W: Do you think people should date their friends? BAD IDEA
X: How many relationships have you had? 4
Y: Do you think love can last forever? the right love, with the right people. Yes
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? yes i do
1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? nope
2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? Dont date someone skinnier then you.
3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? Yea. because real love is above all things and can make it through any and all trials
4: What do you notice first about another person? eyes, the way they walk, and how they shake my hand
5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you? not in the least.

sub vs dom

I don't know what to do here... how do u tell him that as a individual who is very sexual, that i am a sub...not a dom. And that because i am a sub, that i am struggling to detach myself from my previous dom... and how do i explain to him how hard that is because what what kind of connection a sub has with her dom. How much trust and faith has to come from the sub to allow someone to have that much power of them?
And then after explaining that.. how do i make it clear that it takes a lot of time and patience to build that trust in a new person. And that the thought of showing my submissive side to someone new is terrifying. How do i explain that? Especially when people don't really grasp the whole sub /dom thing.
But think about it. Everyone falls into one category or another. You can't put two Don's together. Because then they will be to busy trying to get what they want out of the other person, instead of enjoying the sex. But they will never be statisfied because it became a power struggle.
Idk. How do i explain that?

Lotus Flower Bomb

^^^Good Song^^^

Anyway. 

Havent writtin in a min. 

Kinda wanna talk about Marc

Makayla. 

School. 

Life. 

Drama. 

First off, I love my mother. And i respect her as a person. Not necessarily as a mother. 

And i know that she is Makayla's mother. But the urge to knock the shit out of her when she makes Makayla cry is not ignorable. 

Somehow my brain twisted up life and has me sanctioned as Makaylas mother. 

Probably because I generally spend more time with her then either my mother or my father. 

This is also causing confusion for the child. She will listen to me above all people. 

She is good when its just me and her... for the most part. She is still 2, of course. 

But let one of our parents come home, I swear its a different child. 

But, like Sarah. I AM THE ONLY one on this earth allowed to make that child cry. For any reason. 

and IDC if she deserved that spanking. 

I still want to cause harm to any person that makes her cry that isnt me. 

Twisted. 

I know. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marc.

I like him. Hes so damn sweet. 

Didnt think I'd want to end Anthony and I "flirationship" any time soon,

but Marc kinda has my attention. 

Keenan wasnt too happy about it. 

But he got/will get over it. 

Melinda sure as hell wasnt happy about it. 

in a selfish way, I am unconcerned about her feelings. He doesnt like her back. 

He likes me

I like him

Um. Yea. 

And she was all like, "im going to keep you as a friend, but I lost a lot of respect for you"

....

ok? 

Cause i was so sitting on pins and needles wondering if you were going to still be my friend

lmao

Lord i am such a bitch sometimes. 

But when I want something, I want something. 

And keenan attempted to tell me "no"

Boy what? get out of here with all that. 

You dont get to tell me anything. 

I just wanted to have the common decency to let you know what was going on before you heard it from someone else. 

~~~~~~~~~~

School. I like school. Im just about finished with orientation. I cant wait to start my actual classes. 

October, I do believe. The second week. 

We shall see how this goes. 

I am excited :)

I saw what classes are coming up first, one of them is ethics and it sounds like something thats right up my ally. 

Im such a nerd, 

I cant wait to see what the class is all about. 

Anyway. Ciao for now :)

Only Get High When My Lows Come Often

Days like today make me think of drastic things. 

Today hurts me. 

Not just because its the 10th ann. of 9/11

even though i am saddened by the memory. 

But because Keenan is half way around the world by now. 

My best friend. It hurts me. 

I love him too much. 

Niko has been gone for a month. 

a month. 

Im still gripping him being gone

let alone realizing that hes been gone for 4 weeks. 

On top of being empathetic and sympathetic to all that have suffered because of 9/11

One top of having dreampt about Maurel

And i miss him so much. 

And missing one person makes me miss another person

and its a chain reaction...

Im so tired. 

Vulnerable.

Im feeling very vulnerable today...

Like the open wound on my heart is being bared to the world. 

Im hurting today. 

Keenan is going back over seas...

Maurel came to visit me in my dreams

Which is nice but at the same time, its hurts me to miss him so much. 

I keep his tags around my heart. 

Keenans too. 

and Brians. 

These people mean the most to me...

I still feel sad for Niko. 

I feel sad for my relationship with Sarah too.

Everytime she comes home i try really hard to be excited and to like her and to want to be around her. 

I try to love on her and spend time with her..

But i just cant bring myself to enjoy being around my 10yo sister. 

I love her to death, I do, please dont get me wrong. 

I just SO HARD TO LIKE HER. 

Shes a mathmatical thinker with no sensor on her mouth. 

She doesnt think about whether its appropriate for her to say whatever it is shes about to say. 

And everything out of her mouth is SO DAMN LITERAL that you cant enjoy having a convo with her. 

Sarcasm goes WAY over her head which baffles the hell out of me because she lives with one of the most childish sarcastic men on the planet. Not to mention she lives with myself and my mother, 

two individuals who are fluent is sarcasm...

I will never understand. 

I can only hope our relationship gets better as she gets older and learns her social ques better. 

I hope. 

Nikaeo

^^^^^^^^

Im naming my child that. Boy..girl..not sure. 

Part of me just wants to sit and think and let the pain be felt. 

Another part of me just wants to bury myself in some project to put off feeling anything. 

Havent decided what im going to do yet. 

One this is for sure, Im going outside. 

The sun is out

and that alone makes me happy. 

Ambition

Life is finally starting to come together for me. 

Even though i went on a bunch of different vacations this summer, it has been a very stressful summer indeed. 

However, School has worked itself out seemingly, 

Much to my relief

Finding a job seems to be looking up to. Seeing as ive had two interviews 

and have applied to many other places. 

I am very excited that my old job at the daycare called me back to schedule an interview.

I would love nothing more then to go back and work there. 

I miss those children, and even my co-workers. 

I really hope i get that weekend job. I hope she calls me back with some news soon..

This way i can work two jobs and move out that much faster. 

What is so funny is people are out there saying there are no jobs and/or its so hard to find a job.

But ive never had that problem. 

Childcare is ALWAYS needed. 

Because there are ALWAYS children and stressed out parents

I really hope Jaanu and I can get into this apartment out in PA. 

It almost seems too perfect. 

My mom asked me if i was sure i wanted to do that. 

That id prolly have to work full time and still go to school and would i be able to do that? 

I didnt have the heart to tell her that i didnt care how hard it was, Im moving out of this house come hell or high water. 

Its about an hour and a half from my parents. 

Which is plenty far enough away to escape the BS. 

But close enough that i can still come home and see them ALMOST whenever i want lol 

Life just seems to be looking up. 

You broke up with me because my best friend came home from war?

MY BEST FRIEND.... came home from fucking IRAQ... and you knew i wanted to spend time with him.... so you broke up with me?!

Im sorry... what?

So let me see here.... this kid... whos been around for YEARS vs yours few months... whom ive never dated before in all the years that ive known him... and youre insecure of him... you dont even have the RIGHT to be insecure over him. or any of the other guys i hang out with because they've ALL BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS and i havent dont anything with them yet....... so wtf makes you think that AFTER i go out with you, i would suddenly change up.

On top of that, you accuse me of not caring.... oh dear Anthony thats the worst care you could ever play against me. Ive told you time and again dont go to war against me. And here you've done starts WWX. I really can put up with a WHOLE lot. Ive learned a lot of patience and self control in my 20 years. However. That will always get under my skin

Dubstep

I have been infected with the dubstep virus. 

Its life threatening. 

Its mind altering. 

Its hurricaning outside. 

This entry is souly dedicated to my one sexual fantasy...

Sex, on the hood of his car

in a storm

with dubstep blasting through the subwoofers

the vibrations rolling through my body as we get it on

while the rain falls, the wind blows and the thunder rolls

omg...

that is all...

...

Anger

Its ever present. I hate feeling this way all the time. And i sometimes wonder if its even normal to feel the way I feel. To feel anger at the magnitude with which i feel it. Its all consuming, in my veins and bones. Producing thoughts and pictures of awful things that would send me to hell (not to mention prison) if i ever acted on them.

The more and more i feel like this, the more i wonder if i shouldnt seek help. Maybe someone who ISNT afraid of emotions. Real Raw emotions with no sensor, no brakes. Someone who isnt going to shy away from my openness like everyone in my life now. Someone who isnt just going to try to make me laugh. Someone who will actually LISTEN and help me sort everything out.

Feeling like im constantly on the verge of tears... feeling like up constantly going up hill... idk

Louder, louder, louder

the screaming in my head... it just keeps getting louder....

From everything I dont say... Its not all big things, Just all the things piling up...

Like Taylor taking the emergency money that she said she didnt WANT>! N IHvm8uimsob

Ahem.....

Like people not making plans, oh but everytime i do something off the fly, im irresponsible.

Like Sarah being so fucking literal i want to smack her

Or her talking out of turn when not a soul was talking to her...

Like wanting so bad just to sit and cry over Niko but i cant cause im never alone and people are fucking everywhere and i want to cut everyone.

And yet feeling like i dont deserve to cry over Niko because he wasnt my best friend and only those people close to him should cry over him and why am i crying if we only talked every now and then?

and mother fucking Taylor wants to just out of no where talk about him and ask about him and it took all my strength to not turn around and be like, STFU you never knew him so you have NO reason to ask about him. Shut and up drive you nosey fuck.

Niko's death reminds me of Maurels, which makes me doubly sad because i miss him alot. And i never got any closure from his death either. No memorial no grave no place or time to say goodbye but for every passing day i prayed to him.

My body gets more and more tense. My back is killing me. The knot in my back is moving up into my neck and down into my lower back. Of course, Im sure the horseback riding, zipline/obstical course, go karting hasnt helped it much, but thats not the point.

At the point where every little thing pisses me off. Like Brian jumping all over my status when NOT A SOUL mentioned him.. actin all hard like he gonna do shit. Im like dude, shut up. No one was talking to you. i was talking to another friend.

Just taking a deep breath hurts my back... Asked mom to see if she could help it out and honestly it just made it hurt worse. All my insomnia has come back with a vengeance, but thats not new, thats been back since FL

You know its bad when just looking at people on fb... people that havent done not one thing you, and you want to cut them.

People commenting on a status that doesnt have a damn thing to do with them... im like.. GET OFF.. No one was talking to you. Go the fuck away.....



Id like to just go sit on the back porch... stare at the pretty mountains... however spiders took over the balcony.. so thats a dead mission....

I just hate when my body manifests whats on my mind. When my chest feels tight, my arms feel heavy, my legs break out and stay broke out, the words in my head get louder and louder...

I sometimes wonder if i shouldnt see someone. Someone professional. Who can tell me whether or not i really am crazy. Whether its normal to think such paranoid thoughts. For the anxiety that flows through my veins is a part of every humans life.

PEOPLE DISCUSSING ME LIKE ITS NOT ON MY GOT DAMN STATUS AND I CANT SEE IT.
Maybe im just in a bad mood. Dont worry about it. How about some self preservation and you just leave me the fuck alone?
Why my mother always gotta be all up in my business like it concerns her. If i feel like snapping at Brian on a particular day for any particular reason, I will do so.

I havent thought about cutting myself in a long time. Since i was about 14. I havent felt like i needed to do something drastic in a long time.

I dont know what to do about dealing with whats in my head.. first, I need to sort it out and figure out WHATS in there to begin with... Ive got so many issues with so many people... Most of it i think stems from feeling like I can express myself. That my words and opinions dont matter. That in my families eyes im always wrong. No matter what logic i have to back me up.
 Ive been on the brink of tears for the past few days... I just wish I had a safe place to let go. There is no where safe. No where where i wont be judged, scored or just called pathetic. Cant even confide in my BF cause he "doesnt do well with death"

...

Well NO SHIT. No one deals well with death. YOUR friend didnt die. MINE did. Least you could do is listen to me. I didnt ask you to try to make me laugh, i asked you to listen to me.

No one will talk to me about it... Everyone shys away from the topic of death like it might reach out and touch them.,.......so i feel so alone. Having to sort through and deal with my feelings with no help. Its not really working and I think its only compromising my already compromised mental stability.

My Will

Plain and Simple...

If for some forsaken reason i die early...

I want EVERYONE to know that if you people bury my body in the ground i will have an absolute COW and come back and haunt everyone.

I merely wish to be cremated and thrown back into the river from wence i came.

OR, the ocean off the domincan republic.

Denial...

My friend, Niko..... He didnt survive... He tried, he was strong, he held out for almost 4 days, trying to come back... I guess God said he had suffered enough.

What haunts me is that i dreampt about Niko last night. We were kickin it like we use to. Just talking, and i asked him how he was and he was smiling, said he was fine. Everything was all better. He was being his normal goofy Niko self.

It bugs me... I know, everyone else said it was probably him telling me that he really was fine now, because the pain was gone.... but still, he couldnt have forewarned me?

I know he wasnt my best friend in the whole world and i know the people closer to him are mourning him MUCH greater than i am... But its still sad that he wont ever pop up again.

It was routine... every few months he'd hit my phone or fb, asking when the hell we were gonna hang out. We'd play phone tag for a while and it was always funny.

He'd comment on my pictures, only the ones he really like... even tagged himself in one cause he was in love with it. Told me i was just shy of perfect in another one lol

Thats just how he was... I cant stop myself from wanting to talk to him... this is one time i wish i could truly control the gift/curse that mom says i have. I wish i could call out for him and bring him to me and talk to him... Of course, if i could do that, i would have spoken to Maurel and my Grandmother on many a occasion.

I just dont believe hes gone.... When you think about and truly fathom then finality that is death. Its not like he moved to another state.. another country.. No.. he is all the way gone.................................

For some reason... it is just so hard to wrap your mine around...

Everything Happens in 3's

In this situation...

I pray God forbids it. 

Im hearing the my friend...isnt going to survive...

Not mentally...

Im told hes brain dead...

I have no confirmation of this yet...

Either way, is hes not dead, hes very much damaged. 

My biggest fear... whats crushing me right now...

Is that makes two accidents close together...

Who is next? 

No.. I dont want to think like that...

But do i not have the right to be afraid? 

to know that all my friends and family are out there driving and what happens if someone else gets in a reck...

and they dont survive...

and that someone is someone close to me...

Jaanu, Taylor, Anthony, Siah, Steven, Eva, 

Or worse, someone in my family...

It would crush me...

So dear God, as everyone moves on with their lives oblivious to my fears

Please drive with them, walk with them, be with them. 

Keep them safe and bring them to their respective homes in one peace. 

In Jesus' name...

Amen. 

Its so Loud, Inside my head...

I wish the outside world could hear me screaming inside my head.

I wish i could say the words ive kept in for so long

I wish they would stop coming out in my dreams

My teeth keep falling out...

Yea...

I know it means i need to express something thats heavy on my mind. 

But i cant. 

Wont. 

She wouldnt hear me, even if i did. 

She would just remind me of everything ive ever done since the day i was born

despite the fact that i didnt ask to be born, so technically, everything is her fault. 

I was a accident baby anyway

so its really all her fault. 

"Its so loud, inside my head, with words that i should of said...as i drown in my regrets...i cant take back...the words i never said..."

Keeping my mouth shut is starting to crush me...

Its starting to become unbearable...

I dont want to feel like this about my own mother...

But im just tired. 

Im tired

"Im so tired of being alone inside my head

begging to share these words so long unsaid

As i write it down on paper, i hope one day they will be read

until that day i shall lie here and cry alone in my bed"

Now i mean, yea, kids are supposed to help their parents out and parents are supposed to teach us responsiblity

but that doesnt include taking care of a child thats not mine almost everyday, nearly all day long (unless i leave, thus forcing you to watch your own kid)

nor does that include giving up all these weekend to put hella fucking work into a house im not going to live in...

but hold up...

Just heard my friend was in a car accident... and hes touch and go in the hospital....

all my problems seem so....minor. 

I love you Niko. 

Please be ok. 

Or at the very least...feel no pain...

smh... my lil brother being in his car accident was bad enough. He was just banged up... nothing life threatening. 

thats scary enough. 

Niko... hes in shock trauma...

im done here...

stupid boys

I hate knowing that a relationship is over, but the other person fucking refuses to end the shit...

I hate breaking up with people. Anthony and I didnt last long lol... i think this is my second shortest relationship ever... 3 weeks being the shortest.

But he wont do it. like, fucker, how you gon' be mad a basically end the relationship with your actions, but you wont MAN THE FUCK UP and handle ya damn business? You want me to believe youre talking to other females, and you may or may not be, but either way thats what you want me to think..

Well baby, you wanna act single, then be single. Have fun.

I wouldnt mind acting single too.

especially with one very sexy, lightskinned, old friend from highschool. And babe, you've given me every reason to not want you, and want all of him.

smdh.

What happened to all that talk about "idk how anybody could leave you"

Usually cause i always did the leaving.

Looks like im gonna have to walk away again...

A relationship based off of arguments and sex... not the strongest foundation lol
It was fun while it lasted...but this ignoring me cause youre mad at me bullshit is overrated. I am not the one to break first when i know i was not in the wrong.

See, it might take me a while, but i will eventually admit when I am wrong. I wasnt wrong this time and you brought this argument on. And you wanted to not respond and not talk to me like you thought i would hit you up first...

not likely.


It doesnt matter how irritated i am with him though. It always fucking sucks... breaking up with someone... I hurts me, knowing i hurt them.

And honestly, I think it just hurts me.. Having to cut off someone i was close to.

We were close..Anthony and I... I am going to miss him, i cant even lie. But i couldnt keep up with the back and forth. The constant arguments if we go more then a few days w/out seeing eachother... the pride, the ignoring eachother, the always being angry unless we were fcking eachother...the yelling, the cussing...

It hurts me to let him go,....but i think its for the better. Momma said major changes were instore for me anyway...


My only fear is that hes going to hate me... and thats the last thing i want.

If there ever was a time to hate the word love

It would be now...

However, contrary to previous posts, I do not believe feelings are over rated. At least not in this case.
Recently ive noticed a trend. Again. I seem to go through this once a year. . the trend of guy friends confessing their feelings. Or, I just know they have feelings from previous conversations and current actions.

I just dont understand them sometimes. How can you have feelings for someone who has never confessed feelings for you?

I love my guy friends, I do. Its just SO hard to look at them and know that somewhere in there and behind that facade, they are wishing i was their girlfriend.
It has to hurt them... being around an object of their affection and not getting the kind of affection they want in return...

Its hurts me... to know that i wont ever return it the way they want me to.

It blows my mind, that these guys with these seemingly undying emotions still even want to be my friend. Wouldnt most people, out of self preservation, push me away? And while i am blown by this concept of stick around to keep your hand in the same hot fire... I am also greatful. Because i do love my guy friends. I have a grand total of 3 girlfriends that i can just kick it with. But my guy friends are who i really run with. So i love that they can (most of the time) push their feelings aside and just be chill with me...

Until they feel the need to confess the way they feel... Then it makes it awkward for me cause i know they think if they tell me how they've always felt, I will respond with some deep rooted feelings ive always been hiding...........which is never the case. I am about as honest as it gets with the way i act. If i like you... you'll know. If im attracted to you...you'll know. If i just wanna be friends...you'll know that too. If i have feelings... you'll know. Im a TERRIBLE liar and my emotions are written all over my face. I really not hard to read if you know me.

So if you're looking in my eyes for some sign of the same undying love you've kept harbored for me and you dont see it.... it cause its not there... We're not in a romance novel. Sorry guys.

And whats worse... its not just one guy friend. Its not like its just the one dude i usually kick it with... oh no. of course not. That would be tolerable. No. its ALL OF THEM. and im like... fuck.

Isnt there some sort of quota? Some stopping point of how many hearts a girl can steal? Theres got to be a limit.
I cant keep filtering all these peoples emotions. Its wearing me down.
It causes me to walk on egg shells cause i wanna chill with these people and have everything go back to normal, but it never will.

smh...

You know... girls would KILL to get the kind of attention i get. Shit, they can have it. I can honestly sit back and say, that in the year of 2011 alone (and mind you its not even august yet), I have either become aware of, or already knew about 6 possibly 7 dudes that have feelings for me.

That shit is crazy... How many girls get that much attention?
Honestly... I dont want it. I cant possibly return that love, even if i wanted to.

What do i do with it? What do i do knowing that the guys im closest to, the guys i trust the most... have feelings for me? What do i do know that i do not return that love?


I really dont know. Part of me thinks i should push them all away. Make them get over the feelings. Make them not like or love me...

and yet, that hurts me too. Cause then i lose my best friends...

Damn this double edge sword...

Bin Laden

Look, I know the internet has been, is and will continue to blow up with the 

Death of Osama Bin Laden

I suppose i should pause for a moment, and show my pride in the troops that did

 what they did. 

Yes, this is a significant achievement not just for the US, but for the world at large. 

I am so proud of them, and proud to be a American like them. 

I give a huge THANK YOU to those behind this operation. 

May God Bless you and your families ten fold. 

...

But I see this as a very very bad thing. 

Not with my babies still over seas. 

Not with more of them still being sent over there. 

Retaliation?!

what, you think they wont? You got to be crazy. 

I am worried like shit now...

My troops, my babies,

they are in for hell. 

I can only pray. Pray so much, pray so hard,

that maybe, JUST maybe, the left overs of Al Qaeda

will just die away like shadows in the sunlight. 

those people, gathering outside the WhiteHouse...

I can only smh, cause this is only going to FUEL THE FIRE.

Guys come on, 

We are only going to give those people more reason to hit us that much harder...

I gotta stop. 

I cant let this eat at me

I cant control what happens now. 

I can only pray. 

I support and Love my troops. I am filled with so much pride at their accomplishment. 

If i could personally hug each one of them, I would. 

One Nation

Under God

Indivisible

With Liberty

and Justice

For all. 

Envy

Yea, I know, Its a deadly sin...

But i cant help the way I feel. 

I cant help being so overwhelming jealous of everything Eva has...

She's getting everything Ive always wanted. 

~A good man

~A good looking man at that

~That treats her like a friggin queen

~That acknowledges all of her flaws and loves her through them

~Hes military... Army

~He hasnt done anything blatantly retarded to fuck up his career... at least not yet

~Hes paying for her to go to school

~Taking her away from here (ok, granted, its to MO.. but STILL)

~Hes loving and supportive, no matter how small her problem might be

What I cant stand... is that Ive wanted all the above for YEARS. 

How is it... why is it... that everyone around me is getting everything that I want? 

Getting married, going to school, havin babies

Its not fair. 

I know what I want my life to be...

So i dont understand why i gotta be the one to wait for it....

Its.

So.

Gay.

So im gonna play Jagged Edge all day

and daydream about a distant future. 

</3

Control

i swear i feel like i have none...
always bound by one person or another
Its why I refuse to go out with anyone.
I am so fucking sick of chains and rules i could scream.

Mom was all like "im not saying no, but Im not saying yes either"
well, who the fuck asked you?
I certainly didnt.
I asked what you thought. you said some good point... not really. but Ill let you have some glory.

When... WHEN do i get to make my own decisions? like.. i have to ASK you to move out?! The fuck? No.

You know what? Ima just go. Pack my shit up one day and go.
I cant live like this anymore.

Leap Of Faith

You know, some times, you just have to do things. 

With out really thinking about them

Sometimes, you just have to jump and trust that faith will catch you 

Sometimes, you want one thing so bad that you've been banging on that door for so long, 

that you never noticed the wide open door behind you. 

But you turn, you see it, see the hope it holds. 

and dart through just as its closing, praying you made the right choice. 

So i have this opportunity. Its in the opposite direction of what I originally wanted. Its actually west of what I wanted. Its past Florida and just before and a lil north of Texas...

My girlfriend is going out there and wants me to go with her. 

I really want to go. 

At first, of course, I thought, what will everyone else think?

But you know what? 

Who the hell cares? 

I am so sick to death of making decisions based on what other people want. 

Ive been talking about gaining control over my life for so long now, and yet I havent done a damn thing about it. 

Well, that has to change. 

Im done asking for shit. 

Im just gonna do. 

Yea i'll miss my family. 

But thats why God invented planes. 

And telephones

and Skype

I dont know how, but im just going with it. 

Seems to me that life isnt ready for me to move to FL. 

so, lets try MO

I need to see something other than the east coast anyway. 

Its an opportunity to do something different. 

How many times is it going to come around? 

Some people will be upset, but again, they will get over it. Im done shaping my life around other people. 

flashbacks

I remember now...

why i dont drink...

green apple anything is my weakness

and i remember now, why i dont drink...

I dont understand, if this is what being buzzed, tipsy, drunk etc feels like

WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?!

I dont understand

this is not a good feeling

cant even eat the peanut butter sandwich i made to soak up the alcohol

cause you know, whenever i drink its usually on an empty stomach

and of course, isiah made the mix, so it was strong, and i had to drink the whole cup in like 10 min

so it just went straight to my head. 

trust me, its been hard to type this post, cause my world is on its ass cause im such a friggin lightweight. 

But, I am proud to be a lightweight. It means i didnt give into the peer pressure of partying, drinking and smoking my last highschool and first years of college away. 

This is the most ive drank since senior week

man, i keep having flashbacks

this is how i started feeling that night at SR week before i almost friggin died. 

(ok, maybe i didnt almost die, but i would have rather died then felt the way i did)

smh

momma said once that shes allergic to certain alcohols

or something like allergic. It effects her in a bad way

So ima assume im the same way, cause everytime i drink vodka, i want to die. 

so lemme just not. 

ever

again

and i swear if one more person asks me to drink with them

ima blast them into next wekk. 

and i DARE someone to make fun of me. Ima give them a concussion and spin them around 100 times and ask them how they feel

then tell them thats about the equivilant to what i feel when i drink even a lil bit.

so suck my dick bitch. 

uuuhhhh

I would so much rather die then feel the way I am feeling right now. 

you friggin know what?

I DARE a guy to make fun of a girl

or blame the way she is acting on her period.

next time a dude says something retarded like that to me

im look at him and be like 

LOOK MOTHER FUCKER

YOU bleed for 7 damn days and not die

YOU take a hundred painkillers and STILL deal with cramps and back pain

YOU keep working even though all you want to do is curl up in a corner and Cry

YOU fight the urge to preform surgery on yourself

YOU dont wear your favorite pants because you are 3 sizes bigger then normal

When YOU can do all these things, not kill someone and STILL get everything done

Then you have the right to say something

Until then

STFU

Army...

This post is going to be hard to write.. But i suppose in order to deal, I have to get it out. This post is going to be about Keenan. Because in a little over a month, hes leaving. I have to say it openly, willingly. I have to admit it, realize there is nothing I can do about it, and move on.
I love my Keenan to death. Me and him, we have seriously been through it. Ive had to say goodbye and send him to basic. Send him to Texas... Now I have to send him over there. It kills my heart and soul. I worry and I am so scared. I know, I know. They say its better... Yea well, if it was so much better, why have we been over there for so long?
I cried. Watching Army Wives was a really bad idea. It brings to reality everything I have to deal with, just minus the legal obligation. The emotional burden, the mental burden... it still sits on my shoulders. I dont have to be married to the Army to feel so deflated by the knowledge.
Keenan means so much to me. I was telling mommy, Keenan is to me what Aunt Carolyn is to you. If I ever lost him, I would not be the same. I suppose I would survive the loss, but I wouldnt be the same.
Its no joke when they say as a man(or woman) joins the military, so does their family.
I know, I know, Keenan's only going to be gone half the normal time... but 6 months is still a long time... What happens if hes not as lucky as Brian and hes not stationed on a base with good communication to the states. I would go crazy not being able to talk to him. At least with Brian, I get the luxury of knowing hes ok at least every few days.
I cried though.. today. Just thinking about the day I have to say goodbye. I dont know why it hit me so hard today. I just started crying... I suppose Ive probably been putting it off since I even found out (which was forever ago)... Ive never been good at dealing with stuff like that... aka i dont deal with stuff like that.

As if Brian wasnt enough.  As if dealing with that wasnt a challenge enough on its own. Why Keenan? Why both of them? WHY at the same fucking time? WHY??? Its moments like these I truly resent the Army. Resent my friends for joining.

Im not sure how Im supposed to deal. Its like, when you think about it, how do you get over the sadness? How do you get over missing someone? How do you get over the fear?

I may not be Army strong... I can only be Chell strong, and dont get me wrong, thats pretty damn strong... but I dont even feel Chell strong right now...

Sad Face

I want to go home :(

some days, I love HOCO

other days I hate it with a white hot passion. 

I dont miss the people from home. 

and the only reason i dont go back home is because all those people are still there

But i miss my land...

and more

I miss the water.

I miss fishing, and more so, i miss crabbing. 

My soul is in serious need of reconnecting to its roots. 

i feel so discombobulated. 

I need to see my water. Stand in the middle of it and breath the briny air

But since I have no idea if i will ever get to again, 

I will settle with some crabs..

hell, Ill buy them alive and cook them my damn self...

I just need some real crabs

good ol blue crabs, and shit ton of old bay, a cup of vinegar, a butter knife and some time. 

Some good company would be nice too. 

and a smirnoff.

All set up outside on a sturdy table. 

Hella newspapers to ensure easier cleanup. 

The sun shining. No breeze, on this day, 

cause then we'll get shell pieces in our eyes (trust me, not fun)

some music playin... good conversation

that would be

The

Perfect

Day

but, i suppose, it is only a fantasy. 

Stick and Stones may break my bones

but chains and whips excite me ;)

na na na come on

teehee

ok, that video goes a LIL overboared with the S&M

im not into the whole S&M scene... thats just weird. . . 

but can i help it if chains and whips really do excite me? lol

chains, whips, restraints, cuffs, swings

TEEHEE ;)

Just because i LOOK like an angel....

doesnt mean I am an angel...

what is it that Keenan calls me? 

His Demi-Angel

<3

basically put:

walks like an angel, talks like an angel, looks like an angel, makes everyone that doesnt know her think shes an angel

until you get to know her. 

then you find out shes the devil on earth. 

Now isnt that exciting? 

~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~

New Topic

What in the world am I gonna do with my spring break? 

Was supposed to go to OC with Eva.. but that fell through...

in fact, she seems to be the serial murderer of plans... :/

Isiah cant get off work long enough for us to go to OC either...

Makes me sad. 

I crave sunshine. 

Today was a nice day, windy, but nice. 

Im very excited about the lilies i planted on the deck. 

Lily's are my favorite flowers of all time. 

I have white and yellow ones. They are SO pretty. 

When i get my own place, I will have lilies everywhere. White, yellow, stargazer, tiger lilies. 

They make me happy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Topic

I really shouldnt write about this

but, he pisses me off

Steven. 

white boy steven

WHY the FUCK are YOU still TALKING to ME?!!

I dont understand. 

Why?

WHY?
WHY????

So many people have explained it to me

and cool

hes a loser and he is trying to find any and every way to stay even a distant part of my life

but what i dont understand is

WHY?!

Why does he want to come back to the same fire that burned him not once, not twice. BUT THREE TIMES?!

Woosa...

I honestly dont care what he thinks about me

But he wants to involve Brian

I care about Brian and what he thinks

Why though, is Steven jumping down my throat about whether or not i said happy birthday to brian?

Honestly, I wanted to be like "omg, if you think Im such a bad friend and that i was a bad girlfriend, then YOU be his damn girlfriend and YOU suck his dick. You're already on his nuts"

Damn. 

DUECES!

"Baby girl, you are welcome here anytime, you just say when, and I will be there to pick you up at the airport.  As for moving here, that is completely  up to you.  My house is crazy, so enter at your own risk.  If you could tolerate sharing a room with the girls and living in the same house as Andrew, then come on down."


 Boom! And there it is. My official out of MD card! Thats the response I got when I told my aunt I was losin my mind up here. I have a couple thing I have to accomplish first (new job, license, car?, Savings and enrolled in my new school) but I think I can manage all that by July. My dead line to pack my shit and fly down is July 12 and MAN OH MAN i cant wait.

Especially because my girl Ashley is gonna be down there at the same time and Im SO FRIGGIN EXCITED to see her I cant stand it. We are going to go apartment shopping together :) :) :)

The most important of all things to accomplish is getting a job with the new company. Thats gonna be my primary focus. Then, when I actually get to FL, get another job outside of the home. Cause I'd go crazy if i worked and went to school in the house. Baaad Juju lmao

Man, with every bad thing that happens, life hands me something like this *que happy dance*

"Nobodies Princess"

Thats the title of a really good book i read a while ago, that i related to. 

So, this blog will relate to titles

Mainly, ones that dont exisit

Let me start by saying

I Am Nobodies Anything

If i speak to you, then you are a friend, possibly even a very good friend,

But unless I have formally told you otherwise

You are nothing more than that. 

Now, I am not trying to be mean,

But I got a couple eye openers today when some people got on my nerves by the somewhat possessive behavior they were displaying towards me. 

No one has the right to call me "theirs"

I dont want anyone to say "you are MY anything"

Chill the fuck out

Im not YOUR anything. 

 I am Michelle.  

I am no defined by who i am or am not dating

And a revelation reminded me that dating is DATING

and is not a relationship

I can DATE as many dudes as I want and I DARE someone to get jealous (again, not like you have the right to)

I am in a relationship with myself

Me. Myself and I

and God

and lord knows if it werent for God, a few people would have gotten blasted today 

I am not "In a relationship" with anybody. 

I AM SINGLE

and I love it

and I dont plan on changing it anytime soon

Yea Im feelin this dude Im talkin to now...

But dont get it twisted,

we just talking. 

I said it was alright for him to call me baby

But I am not his girlfriend. 

I am nobodies Girlfriend.

I am not exclusively seeing anybody.

I am owned by no one, control is all mine. 

I dont ask permission for shit,

and 9 times out of 10 Im not gonna ask your forgivness 

and if you cant handle it

Step.

Thanks. 

72 entries later

And I have gone through a metamorphosis it seems lol

Since Ive started writing, ive gone through so many mindsets. 

Well, Now, Im back on cynical. 

First off, Im probably never going to get married... until like, Im ancient. 

Cause, even though numerous people say they would love to have that life with me and would love to "wake up to my beautiful face every morning" and bla bla bla

I dont like anyone enough to feel the same way about them...

Ive noticed that Ive almost never fully reciprocated someones feelings about me. 

and then I feel bad. 

So because I feel bad that they claim to be hopelessly in love with me and would give me the world

and I totally dont feel that way about them....

then I deal with feeling bad by getting angry

(not very fair to the other person, I suppose)

thats the emotional side talking...

Logic would say that I just havent met the right person. 

And i do believe that. 

I have no idea what kind of person he is going to be

nothing short of amazing with the patience of a saint lol

Someone who can defend himeself (cause apparently Im going to kill my husband)

*shrug*

Someone with a long life span, cause Im going to have a long life (uuuh kill me  now)

And I do not want to burry my husband and the father of my children. 

He has to want a large family and be an active part of it. 

MUST want to adopt more than on child from another country(ies). 

Be totally Ok with and possibly even encourage the violent side of me

While also understand that there is a softer side, Im not an icequeen. 

Someone that doesnt mind my mood swings and has enough self preservation skills to leave me alone when need be

Someone that isnt all touchy-feely 24 hours a day

a talker, cause I am really bad at supplying conversation lol

Idk. Honestly I have no idea what I am looking for lol

I guess I can only say that I just havent found it/him yet

Maybe I'll find him in Florida. 

Or, maybe I'll just wipe my hands of guys in general for a while. 

Like, a long while. 

Less drama.

Am i the only female that doesnt crave this kind of attention and is actually annoyed by it? 

Cause I know a lot of girls that would kill for the kind of attention I get all the time. 

hmm

Wisdom Teeth

I do NOT understand why they are called wisdom teeth. 

I do not get ANY smarter because these unneeded extra teeth plague my existence. 

And Yes, I am going to dedicate a whole (well, half) blog entry to bitching and complain about how much they hurt and how bitchy I am going to be until something is done about them. 

So, on a normal basis, I clench my teeth. (not grind, clench) 

I tend to only do this in my sleep, and then, only when I am supremely stressed out. 

But thats a different kind of ache. 

This ache, in my jaw, is annoying as fuck!

And because it aches, I feel the need to clench my teeth, which... dear Lord

Hurts like a bitch. 

Of course, this reminds me of the day, back when i was like, 14 maybe 15 years old and I had Xrays done on my back

and while the DR looked at them, he informed me that my wisdom teeth would one day hurt really bad

well, im pretty sure its one day

uuuhhhh

On top of that, Ive managed to rub a raw spot in my lip from biting it too much

(bad habits. at least i dont bite my nails)

Umm... yea

So onto another subject

If one more person claims that they are gonna be with me one day

Im gonna cut them

The more people say they are going to do or be ANYthing involving me

the more I pull away

I dont want to be bothered by anyone. 

I dont want anyone to express their undying love they've had since day one 

(cause, its bull shit)

I dont want anyone to ask me if i think we could possibly get together in the future

(cause idk, and idc, and If i havent made a move yet, chances are, i probably wont)

I dont want to even THINK about marriage anymore 

(partly cause, I seriously doubt if thats gonna happen anytime soon, if ever)

Sure as HELL am done with the military guys

(my life isnt cut out for theirs)

I'll talk

I'll flirt

Maybe go on a date here or there

But im done getting/being close with people. 

Its overrated. 

Some Type of Way

So, I finally understand something about myself.

I understand why I always want to be in a relationship.

Cause when Im single, people be pissin me off. 

Its like, im single,

Doesnt mean im available. 

certainly doesnt mean im available to you

I feel the walls, goin up

Heart is...not really icing over... but marbling maybe

Im still Chell, still sweet (sometimes) and loving to those that have proven worthy

But, i no longer want to be close to anyone. 

I just want to be left alone. 

I dont want to date or be in a relationship.

I just want to be left alone.

All these guys that all of a sudden wanna text me?

Yea, I DO NOT have stupid stamped on my forehead. 

You didnt want to be my friend when i was in a relationship,

So clearly you dont want to just be my friend now. 

you just want something, and I'll be damned if the likes of you get it. 

So, on to the next one. 

Whos next to try? 

I promise you'll fail. 

Im sick of people only wanted relationships.

Why cant we just chill?

Why does everyone I get close to catch feelings?

Seriously, Im not that amazing. 

Im mean, sarcastic, un sympathetic, paranoid, slightly schitz, I dont like kissing, Hate to cuddle, dont want to sleep in the same bed with you, wont ask you for help, dont give two shits about your opinion...

Why do you want to be with me? 

GO AWAY. 

Like, theres a little truth inside every JK

so stop JKing about the "relationship" we're gonna have

FYI, its not going to happen. 

So every guy in my life needs to take a good step BACK

if you cant just be my friend with out catchin feelings, then maybe you need to take a lot of steps back. 

Uh. 

SO OVER GUYS

and people in general. 

Yea Im Single

Hmm, Brian Left me...

Well, technically it was mutual

But still, He brought it up. 

Ive never been left before, I am usually the one to say its over

Not sure how I feel about that. 

lol

I wonder how long I can stay off the radar. 

Last time I was single people didnt know for a long time

Wonder if I can keep it that way.

I much prefer not being noticed. 

I enjoy just being me and not being hit on and/or pursued by anyone. I just want peace and quiet. 

I dont want another relationship...

That would be a waste of time. 

Especially if my Aunt really does agree to let me move into her house. 

Then I'll be in Florida this summer, living with her, looking for a job so I can get my own place. 

Or just doing Arise with her. 

Or both.

Both might be a good idea. 

Im sure Aaya is going to have a field day when she finds out we broke up. 

Shes gonna run to everyone and say "I told you so, I told you so"

Whatever. She doesnt have a clue. 

I still love Brian

Of course I do. 

And I will still be his friend, I dont want to push him out of my life. 

He's still a big part of my life. 

This break up hasnt changed the way I think about him

Just the title

Thats all. 

Thats the only thing the general public needs to understand,

Cause i swear the first person to talk bad about Brian is gonna get punched in the throat. 

Like my one friend who just assumed from the jump that Brian had done something stupid and thats what caused the break up. I wanted to be like, "look here trick, you dont know shit about my ex, so you dont go NO room to talk about him"

I talked shit about Steven cause he pissed me the fuck off and didnt understand what no meant

Brian is not like that. 

He didnt beg or plead or cry. 

He was mature about it. 

Took it like a man (lol)

And because he showed me respect and maturity, I can show respect and maturity

(what a concept! Why doesnt everyone understand that?)

So, the rest of this semester should be very interesting...

Saw It Coming

Lol I knew someone wasnt going to like the idea of me moving to Florida

Sorry Sarah, I cant come up there with you...

I adore you, I really do

And if you were stationed anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, I might still consider it

But I cant do it

I hate the snow, i ABHOR the snow. 

I despise the cold

Sarah asked "well what about getting married?"

Well, Its just going to have to wait

There is not a damn thing gonna stop me from going to Florida. 

"Come hell or high water... and the high water might actually come"

I am going. 

My aunt even said I could just move into her house, no rent, just to clean for her

Psh, hell to the yea. 

That might happen this summer while I figure out where I want to establish my own place. 

I cant give up on a dream I've had since i was like, 12. 

I cant, I wont. 

This is how I want my life and this is how Im going to do it and I dare someone to even try to tell me no.

Update

So uuuhh,,

I havent written in a while

(sorry Jaanu) 

Um, mostly cause ive been so bottled up 

Partly cause Im too lazy to even attempt to put down in words all the things going on in my head right now

So much is/had happened this week

My best friend, I mean my BEST FRIEND ABOVE BEST FRIENDS

was home this week. 

He is stationed in Texas

Which is bad enough

Whats worse

that one word... that one word i hate to hear

that one word that may one day land me in the looney bin

deployment

Its a bad word. 

We dont say that word

:/

Iraq...

Sgt Wright told me I should be greatful, as its no longer considered a "battle ground"

Um,

whatever. 

I bet shit still goes down over there, we just dont know about it. 

And even if it has chilled out alot,

that still several times zones, how many countries and a whole fucking ocean away from me

No. Bueno

If i had tears to cry, I would cry...

Sike, i will cry, when he actually leaves. 

I'll break down into a useless puddle of tears, just like I did when Brian left

And then I'll suck it up and prepare to support him like a good little pseudo army wife

SMMFH

I dont know how Keenan and I work
How our friendship works when there are moments when I want to choke the shit out of him
How he puts up with me when I physically abuse him lol
How we've gone months with out speaking and yet,
somehow,
somewhere
someway
by some powers that be
we came right back and picked up where we left off.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and be that as it may,
Im gonna miss the shit out of him
and Isiah has to bear the brunt of it all...
I think, one day, Isiah is going to kill Keenan for leaving us alone together lol
Oh dear Keenan, my own personal WhatTheFuck lol

I swear some days i think i really am crazy. I really am masochistic for allowing myself to love not 1, but several military people

Soldiers, Marines, Airmen

*sigh*

They fill my heart with such pride... and such dread

Idk how I am going to handle Keenan being over there...

I dont know that I'll be able to.

My heart refuses to accept that he'll be so far away from me

If something happens to him, it would surely be the end of me...

Speaking of death

My best girlfriend tried to commit suicide this week

Did i have a clue?

Nope...

She texted me AFTER she was in the hospital

(not really something you text...?)

My heart stopped when she sent that and it took my brain to realize that SHE had sent it from HER phone which had to mean she was still alive

I had to wait to actually be able to talk to her though

The hospital called me and asked to confirm that I was her sister (which im not, No idea how she pulled that one off) 

and told me to write down a number so i could call the room she was sitting in. 

I was so glad to hear her voice and know that she was ok. 

We talked about why she did it, and I understood where she was at mentally (ive been there before, I know what it feels like to be depressed, to be in that place so deep and dark and all consuming that you think there is no other way out... Ive been there...)

I got on her for not calling me or anyone else for help

Reminded her how much I love her and that if she died I would surely have to go with her

I would be beyond devastated if she ever succeeded. 

Ive already lost one best friend (RIP Maurel)

I cant lose another. 

Seriously, as if all my friends in the military wasnt stress on my heart enough, 

Now I gotta hover over her and make sure shes ok

Call her all the time

Text her even more..

Lord, Have Mercy On My Soul...

On top of that, I learned...well, not learned, more like confirmed

Something about myself this week

To some people it may come as a surprise, to others it might not..

All I know is that it changed some things. 

Changed the dynamics of my relationships with some people

I guess time will tell how that goes

ONTOP of all of that

I am actively trying to move to Florida

Like, at first I think people thought I was joking, 

But I am so far from it

If I have to suffer one more winter of snow,

Im gonna crack

(Upstate NY? No. I will kill myself first)

SO, Florida it is

Jaanu is coming with me. 

I want to go down and spend a week or two with my Aunt and look around at options. 

Just a lil apartment somewhere near her

Doesnt have to be anything lavish

and also while looking at apartments, look for a job. 

Might have to take my Aunt's advise and do Arise like she does. 

$12 an hour is MUCH better than $8

And there is always potential for more. 

Gonna have her help me while shes in town. 

I so badly want to go down there its killing me. 

I have next to nothing figured out and I have no idea how Im going to do it 

all I know is that If i celebrate New Years in MD

im going to be all kinds of pissed. 

Yes, I want to be in FL by the end of the year. 

Rephrase:

I Will be in Florida by the end of the year.

Watch me