Some Type of Way

So, I finally understand something about myself.

I understand why I always want to be in a relationship.

Cause when Im single, people be pissin me off. 

Its like, im single,

Doesnt mean im available. 

certainly doesnt mean im available to you

I feel the walls, goin up

Heart is...not really icing over... but marbling maybe

Im still Chell, still sweet (sometimes) and loving to those that have proven worthy

But, i no longer want to be close to anyone. 

I just want to be left alone. 

I dont want to date or be in a relationship.

I just want to be left alone.

All these guys that all of a sudden wanna text me?

Yea, I DO NOT have stupid stamped on my forehead. 

You didnt want to be my friend when i was in a relationship,

So clearly you dont want to just be my friend now. 

you just want something, and I'll be damned if the likes of you get it. 

So, on to the next one. 

Whos next to try? 

I promise you'll fail. 

Im sick of people only wanted relationships.

Why cant we just chill?

Why does everyone I get close to catch feelings?

Seriously, Im not that amazing. 

Im mean, sarcastic, un sympathetic, paranoid, slightly schitz, I dont like kissing, Hate to cuddle, dont want to sleep in the same bed with you, wont ask you for help, dont give two shits about your opinion...

Why do you want to be with me? 

GO AWAY. 

Like, theres a little truth inside every JK

so stop JKing about the "relationship" we're gonna have

FYI, its not going to happen. 

So every guy in my life needs to take a good step BACK

if you cant just be my friend with out catchin feelings, then maybe you need to take a lot of steps back. 

Uh. 

SO OVER GUYS

and people in general. 

Yea Im Single

Hmm, Brian Left me...

Well, technically it was mutual

But still, He brought it up. 

Ive never been left before, I am usually the one to say its over

Not sure how I feel about that. 

lol

I wonder how long I can stay off the radar. 

Last time I was single people didnt know for a long time

Wonder if I can keep it that way.

I much prefer not being noticed. 

I enjoy just being me and not being hit on and/or pursued by anyone. I just want peace and quiet. 

I dont want another relationship...

That would be a waste of time. 

Especially if my Aunt really does agree to let me move into her house. 

Then I'll be in Florida this summer, living with her, looking for a job so I can get my own place. 

Or just doing Arise with her. 

Or both.

Both might be a good idea. 

Im sure Aaya is going to have a field day when she finds out we broke up. 

Shes gonna run to everyone and say "I told you so, I told you so"

Whatever. She doesnt have a clue. 

I still love Brian

Of course I do. 

And I will still be his friend, I dont want to push him out of my life. 

He's still a big part of my life. 

This break up hasnt changed the way I think about him

Just the title

Thats all. 

Thats the only thing the general public needs to understand,

Cause i swear the first person to talk bad about Brian is gonna get punched in the throat. 

Like my one friend who just assumed from the jump that Brian had done something stupid and thats what caused the break up. I wanted to be like, "look here trick, you dont know shit about my ex, so you dont go NO room to talk about him"

I talked shit about Steven cause he pissed me the fuck off and didnt understand what no meant

Brian is not like that. 

He didnt beg or plead or cry. 

He was mature about it. 

Took it like a man (lol)

And because he showed me respect and maturity, I can show respect and maturity

(what a concept! Why doesnt everyone understand that?)

So, the rest of this semester should be very interesting...

Saw It Coming

Lol I knew someone wasnt going to like the idea of me moving to Florida

Sorry Sarah, I cant come up there with you...

I adore you, I really do

And if you were stationed anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, I might still consider it

But I cant do it

I hate the snow, i ABHOR the snow. 

I despise the cold

Sarah asked "well what about getting married?"

Well, Its just going to have to wait

There is not a damn thing gonna stop me from going to Florida. 

"Come hell or high water... and the high water might actually come"

I am going. 

My aunt even said I could just move into her house, no rent, just to clean for her

Psh, hell to the yea. 

That might happen this summer while I figure out where I want to establish my own place. 

I cant give up on a dream I've had since i was like, 12. 

I cant, I wont. 

This is how I want my life and this is how Im going to do it and I dare someone to even try to tell me no.

Update

So uuuhh,,

I havent written in a while

(sorry Jaanu) 

Um, mostly cause ive been so bottled up 

Partly cause Im too lazy to even attempt to put down in words all the things going on in my head right now

So much is/had happened this week

My best friend, I mean my BEST FRIEND ABOVE BEST FRIENDS

was home this week. 

He is stationed in Texas

Which is bad enough

Whats worse

that one word... that one word i hate to hear

that one word that may one day land me in the looney bin

deployment

Its a bad word. 

We dont say that word

:/

Iraq...

Sgt Wright told me I should be greatful, as its no longer considered a "battle ground"

Um,

whatever. 

I bet shit still goes down over there, we just dont know about it. 

And even if it has chilled out alot,

that still several times zones, how many countries and a whole fucking ocean away from me

No. Bueno

If i had tears to cry, I would cry...

Sike, i will cry, when he actually leaves. 

I'll break down into a useless puddle of tears, just like I did when Brian left

And then I'll suck it up and prepare to support him like a good little pseudo army wife

SMMFH

I dont know how Keenan and I work
How our friendship works when there are moments when I want to choke the shit out of him
How he puts up with me when I physically abuse him lol
How we've gone months with out speaking and yet,
somehow,
somewhere
someway
by some powers that be
we came right back and picked up where we left off.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and be that as it may,
Im gonna miss the shit out of him
and Isiah has to bear the brunt of it all...
I think, one day, Isiah is going to kill Keenan for leaving us alone together lol
Oh dear Keenan, my own personal WhatTheFuck lol

I swear some days i think i really am crazy. I really am masochistic for allowing myself to love not 1, but several military people

Soldiers, Marines, Airmen

*sigh*

They fill my heart with such pride... and such dread

Idk how I am going to handle Keenan being over there...

I dont know that I'll be able to.

My heart refuses to accept that he'll be so far away from me

If something happens to him, it would surely be the end of me...

Speaking of death

My best girlfriend tried to commit suicide this week

Did i have a clue?

Nope...

She texted me AFTER she was in the hospital

(not really something you text...?)

My heart stopped when she sent that and it took my brain to realize that SHE had sent it from HER phone which had to mean she was still alive

I had to wait to actually be able to talk to her though

The hospital called me and asked to confirm that I was her sister (which im not, No idea how she pulled that one off) 

and told me to write down a number so i could call the room she was sitting in. 

I was so glad to hear her voice and know that she was ok. 

We talked about why she did it, and I understood where she was at mentally (ive been there before, I know what it feels like to be depressed, to be in that place so deep and dark and all consuming that you think there is no other way out... Ive been there...)

I got on her for not calling me or anyone else for help

Reminded her how much I love her and that if she died I would surely have to go with her

I would be beyond devastated if she ever succeeded. 

Ive already lost one best friend (RIP Maurel)

I cant lose another. 

Seriously, as if all my friends in the military wasnt stress on my heart enough, 

Now I gotta hover over her and make sure shes ok

Call her all the time

Text her even more..

Lord, Have Mercy On My Soul...

On top of that, I learned...well, not learned, more like confirmed

Something about myself this week

To some people it may come as a surprise, to others it might not..

All I know is that it changed some things. 

Changed the dynamics of my relationships with some people

I guess time will tell how that goes

ONTOP of all of that

I am actively trying to move to Florida

Like, at first I think people thought I was joking, 

But I am so far from it

If I have to suffer one more winter of snow,

Im gonna crack

(Upstate NY? No. I will kill myself first)

SO, Florida it is

Jaanu is coming with me. 

I want to go down and spend a week or two with my Aunt and look around at options. 

Just a lil apartment somewhere near her

Doesnt have to be anything lavish

and also while looking at apartments, look for a job. 

Might have to take my Aunt's advise and do Arise like she does. 

$12 an hour is MUCH better than $8

And there is always potential for more. 

Gonna have her help me while shes in town. 

I so badly want to go down there its killing me. 

I have next to nothing figured out and I have no idea how Im going to do it 

all I know is that If i celebrate New Years in MD

im going to be all kinds of pissed. 

Yes, I want to be in FL by the end of the year. 

Rephrase:

I Will be in Florida by the end of the year.

Watch me

2 year Anniversary...

Tomorrow, I am probably gonna cry. 

Im gonna cry a lot

Well, maybe not like, that obnoxious crying,

but those silent tears. 

I can feel them already. 

Tomorrow: March 16th, 2011

marks the 2 Year Anniversary of Death for my best friend in the whole world

Maurel Loaan Domingo

On my normal day to day, its nothing to deal with the knowledge that I'll never see him again. 

I just deal with it..

But twice a year, on this day and on his bday (Dec. 1st)

The pain is anew. 

I miss him a great deal and my brain falters on how it fathoms his death. 

Even now, 2 years later

I think hes gonna pop up out of no where and this will all be a joke and I can be happy again. 

But reality reminds me that that can not ever be so. 

And it hurts. 

I wish I had some sign of him. 

Some sign that he still loves me, even from up there

Some sign that he looks out for me.

So sign that he knows that I still and always will love him. 

That he knows I got a special, shiny dogtag inscribed with his name on it, his DOB and DOD

and I wear it, next to the other most important people in my life, 

Next to my heart

Everyday. 

I hope he knows that. 

I have to remember to put that ribbon on

The white and Silver ribbon that was handed out to people that contributed to his fund. 

I can only hope that he is happy. 

That he is finally next to God. 

He deserved nothing less. 

I love him.

No past tense. 

RIP Maurel

My Son, Best friend, Personal psychologist, Angel <3

Time for a break

FB is gone. For a little while at least.

Somethin about the people today on that one status...

I wanted to find each one of them and kick them in the throat. 

Seriously. 

Go fuck yourselves. 

You know, great thanks, WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT

Oh yea, all that shit comes so fuckin easy for all yall

so i must be lacking brain cells seeing as i cant do it

I got so mad today. 

So unbelievable mad over that. 

I had to delete my FB or I was gonna go off

That shit pisses me off. 

Everyone all wanna be like "oh i can do it, why cant you? its easy"

Walk a day in my shoes, muh fucker. 

Shits not so damn easy in my brain

ESPECIALLY that random ass girl in Steven's car.

Like BITCH, who the fuck is you??!

No one was talkin to you thats for sure,

so stfu 'fore i come across this car and bounce your head off the window. 

And stupid people that dont take social ques. 

If i tense up, give you a dirty look, stop speaking all together and walk the fuck away

Clearly, something is wrong and no that DOES  NOT MEAN WALK CLOSER TO ME

UUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FB. Is breeding ground of hatred and potential murder...

I have enough anger in my life...

All on my own. 

So fb is gone. Brian is just gonna have to text me VIA skype to let me know when hes online. 

As for being able to talk when im in school

well, i didnt think about that. Maybe Ill make a blank FB just for him

Yea, thats prolly what Ill end up doing. 

SMH..

)(*&#Y&%)@&~~~~~

Owe the school $990... out of pocket

Which will prolly mean I cant go to Florida in June...

Phone is dead...fucking, all the fucking way dead...

Is dad gonna care? Prolly not. 

Hes prolly gonna make me wait all weekend to see if it comes back to life...

dude, its not coming back...

Give me a new phone. 

Now. 

Cause I know damn well you arent gonna let me go any where with out a phone. 

i dont want to go anywhere with out a phone...

Tsunami got my mood low

Even though it doesnt impact me personally,

still, its sad

Disected a piggy yesterday

Wouldnt have been that bad if my partners had some common fucking decency. 

but NOOOOO

Never hand a guy a knife. 

my new theory

They dont know wtf they are doing and cant be trusted to just get the job done

stupid people

The coffee creamer was bad

milk was bad

shit floatin in the kool-aid

i was like WTF?! am i not supposed to have a drink this morning?

House is fucking atrocious. 

Gotta go clean that. 

On top of my phone being dead,

Gene is supposed to call me this evening...

but, oh, gee, hes only get voicemail cause MY PHONE IS DEAD

Timing. is. awful

My son comes home from war and I cant even get his phone calls. 

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Today

Today I did a bad thing

I spent a lot of money on something I didnt need. 

I couldnt resist

Everyone's allowed to splurge now and then

Right?

No, I am not feeling guilty. 

I love this thing too much :)

Its a shiny, sparkly, eye catching ring

It was so pretty and shiny that I just couldnt leave with out it. 

I always go into Swarovski just to look. I mean, its a shining wonderland of crystal.

The store itself is amazing. 

And I love all the jewlery in there,

But this ring. It just caught me and stayed with me. Jaanu dragged me out of the store and we went to get lunch, but I couldnt get my thoughts off that ring. 

I knew I just had to have it. 

so, $160 later, it now graces my left hand beautifully. 

Its so friggin shiny I cant stand it. 

I went to class afterwords and just looked at it sparkle the whole time lmao

Ive never felt more like a prissy little girl then in that moment

Its not diamonds, Its crystals. Which i personally think are twice as shiny as any friggin diamond. Psh. 

No body is gonna buy me expensive stuff, and Im not gonna ask them too.

This is why I work.

For days like today. 

I didnt ask not a soul if i could have it. 

I just bought it

And not a soul can take it from me. 

Get.At.Me. 

:)

Dear God

Dear God.

Everyday when I wake up, my boyfriend is just gettin ready to go to bed. And when im going to sleep, hes getting ready to face a new day. Dear God, tonight, I pray that you keep my baby safe. Physically and Mentally. And bring him home to me. Please. 

For you see, hes not away at school, he doesnt live in another time zone because his family is there, he didnt run away. You see, God, my boyfriend is away at war. And no, I do not believe in this war, not anymore, but I do believe in my boyfriend. No, I dont agree with how we are fighting, and I do believe in peace. But that doesnt mean I dont believe in my boyfriend. 

Dear God, please bring him and his friends home safely to me and their familes. Because while i do not support the war, I support the troops, because they did not choose this. 

Dear God, all I ask is that he is safe. Surround him with your angels and your peace and help him cope with everything around him. Send him my love, remind him that it is strong and never faulters. 

Remind him, even when its raining for days or snowing a blizzard or blowing sand like a dry tsunami, that you are with him, and he is ok. Remind him not to give up or give in. 

In Jesus' Name

Amen

Oh, and God? Brian's not the only soldier I love. I love and support a Marine (Gene) please, bring him home just as safley as you bring Brian, Keenan(Army), Aaron(Airforce) and Brian's brother Chris (Airforce). Please, Bless them too. And no matter where they go or what they do, please bring them home safe... Id love to see the protesters do half the things these men do. So, dear God, remind them to ignore the trash talk and remind them that they are worthy of respect. 

Amen <3

Im in Miami Bitch!

lol ok well, not Miami...

But I'll be landing in Tampa, Florida. 

Im going there in July to visit my aunt and finally see my best friend

Im thinking about moving there.

For no other reason than because I friggin want to and who the hell is gonna stop me?

Finish out this semester at HCC, get good and acquainted with University of Phoenix

Pick an apartment, not to far from my aunt. Annnddd

DUECES

I mean, why not? 

Just go down there for a year or two, Ill be doing online schooling so its not like i have to find another college.

By doing online schooling, I can get a good job

(need to start looking for that now)

Jaanu said he'd come with me

(FLs not ready for that lmao)

and just chill out.

Hangout

whole time be working on my degree

While finally being able to live on my own

One can hope that we wont have too many terrible hurricanes lol

ooh, I just just picture taking my books to the beach. That pretty clear gulf water

(if the oil has cleared out by then)

that blinding white sand

THE SUN

no friggin snow

Sounds like heaven. 

I know somebodies gonna pitch a fit about it. 

Oh. Friggin.Well.

Last i checked, this wasnt a "what do you think about..?"

it was a 

"this is what Im gonna go..."

First things first though

Before i go anywhere or do anything

I have to get my license

And i have to get a car. 

Mission number 1) 

Learn to parallel park

shut up

 I dont ask permission

And 

I rarely ever ask forgiveness

So dont go gettin snippy with me

cause im not gonna care

You see me?

I am running my life, not you

So sit down and shut up

When I want your opinion I will ask for it

And just because I asked doesnt mean Im gonna follow it

this is MY life

Just because you are a part of it doesnt mean you have any power whats so ever

Cause you dont. 

FIN

Chains

My life is never gonna change

Im always gonna be trapped by these chains

whether I put them there myself

or other people have locked them on

They are there. 

All my life Ive been good, but now, Im thinin what the hell? All I want is to mess around, and I dont really care about, If you love me, if you hate me, you cant save me, baby baby, All My Life Ive Been Good, But Now, Oooh What The Hell? ;)

You think you understand what it is im talking about..

You've got the wrong Idea. 

Kinda. 

I dont wanna go out and fuck other people.

Thats not me

And even If i "wanted to" i would be able to. 

My conscious cant support that

But do i crave freedom? 

SO FRIGGIN MUCH

Im so tired of being tied down by one persons rules or anothers. Its killin me

As if my parents leash wasnt enough. 

Now I've got his locking me down even tighter. 

Vanessa was right. 

Its not time for this

Where was the time for me?

My life?

lol, its so funny, he said "screw what other people think. Go out and have fun"

what he didnt say, but was implied

"screw what other people think, except me. And go out and have fun with in reason"

Well, then where is the fun?

Who wants to do anything within reason

theres no point. 

But i guess with in reason could be dont fuck anybody. Which I wouldnt, with or without these chains. 

But i would love to have the freedom and say whatever I want. To blatantly flirt

Drink a lil and not feel bad If i make out with a dude

Finally go to the club with Taylor and not feel bad about dancin with random dudes

Hell, I dont wanna feel bad about hanging out with my dudes. 

Im sick of feelin like I should walk on egg shells. 

I dont, cause I honestly dont care. 

You knew what you were gettin into before you did it

But I still feel like i should feel bad

Eh.

You're on your knees 
Begging please 
Stay with me 
But honestly 
I just need to be a little crazy 

Its not like I dont want him at all. 

Thats not the case. I just wish I had waited, like i ORIGINALLY planned. 

Uuh! 

Always let my feelings get the better of me

I knew I needed to think with my head, not my heart

My heart always fucks me up

Dont know what the hell its talking about

I rather rage than sit around and wait all day (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Don't get me wrong. I just need some time to play-ay (yeah, yeah, 

Thats all. 

I just wanna play

Like that movie Hall Pass

lmao

Lemma get a Hall Pass