Update

So uuuhh,,

I havent written in a while

(sorry Jaanu) 

Um, mostly cause ive been so bottled up 

Partly cause Im too lazy to even attempt to put down in words all the things going on in my head right now

So much is/had happened this week

My best friend, I mean my BEST FRIEND ABOVE BEST FRIENDS

was home this week. 

He is stationed in Texas

Which is bad enough

Whats worse

that one word... that one word i hate to hear

that one word that may one day land me in the looney bin

deployment

Its a bad word. 

We dont say that word

:/

Iraq...

Sgt Wright told me I should be greatful, as its no longer considered a "battle ground"

Um,

whatever. 

I bet shit still goes down over there, we just dont know about it. 

And even if it has chilled out alot,

that still several times zones, how many countries and a whole fucking ocean away from me

No. Bueno

If i had tears to cry, I would cry...

Sike, i will cry, when he actually leaves. 

I'll break down into a useless puddle of tears, just like I did when Brian left

And then I'll suck it up and prepare to support him like a good little pseudo army wife

SMMFH

I dont know how Keenan and I work
How our friendship works when there are moments when I want to choke the shit out of him
How he puts up with me when I physically abuse him lol
How we've gone months with out speaking and yet,
somehow,
somewhere
someway
by some powers that be
we came right back and picked up where we left off.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and be that as it may,
Im gonna miss the shit out of him
and Isiah has to bear the brunt of it all...
I think, one day, Isiah is going to kill Keenan for leaving us alone together lol
Oh dear Keenan, my own personal WhatTheFuck lol

I swear some days i think i really am crazy. I really am masochistic for allowing myself to love not 1, but several military people

Soldiers, Marines, Airmen

*sigh*

They fill my heart with such pride... and such dread

Idk how I am going to handle Keenan being over there...

I dont know that I'll be able to.

My heart refuses to accept that he'll be so far away from me

If something happens to him, it would surely be the end of me...

Speaking of death

My best girlfriend tried to commit suicide this week

Did i have a clue?

Nope...

She texted me AFTER she was in the hospital

(not really something you text...?)

My heart stopped when she sent that and it took my brain to realize that SHE had sent it from HER phone which had to mean she was still alive

I had to wait to actually be able to talk to her though

The hospital called me and asked to confirm that I was her sister (which im not, No idea how she pulled that one off) 

and told me to write down a number so i could call the room she was sitting in. 

I was so glad to hear her voice and know that she was ok. 

We talked about why she did it, and I understood where she was at mentally (ive been there before, I know what it feels like to be depressed, to be in that place so deep and dark and all consuming that you think there is no other way out... Ive been there...)

I got on her for not calling me or anyone else for help

Reminded her how much I love her and that if she died I would surely have to go with her

I would be beyond devastated if she ever succeeded. 

Ive already lost one best friend (RIP Maurel)

I cant lose another. 

Seriously, as if all my friends in the military wasnt stress on my heart enough, 

Now I gotta hover over her and make sure shes ok

Call her all the time

Text her even more..

Lord, Have Mercy On My Soul...

On top of that, I learned...well, not learned, more like confirmed

Something about myself this week

To some people it may come as a surprise, to others it might not..

All I know is that it changed some things. 

Changed the dynamics of my relationships with some people

I guess time will tell how that goes

ONTOP of all of that

I am actively trying to move to Florida

Like, at first I think people thought I was joking, 

But I am so far from it

If I have to suffer one more winter of snow,

Im gonna crack

(Upstate NY? No. I will kill myself first)

SO, Florida it is

Jaanu is coming with me. 

I want to go down and spend a week or two with my Aunt and look around at options. 

Just a lil apartment somewhere near her

Doesnt have to be anything lavish

and also while looking at apartments, look for a job. 

Might have to take my Aunt's advise and do Arise like she does. 

$12 an hour is MUCH better than $8

And there is always potential for more. 

Gonna have her help me while shes in town. 

I so badly want to go down there its killing me. 

I have next to nothing figured out and I have no idea how Im going to do it 

all I know is that If i celebrate New Years in MD

im going to be all kinds of pissed. 

Yes, I want to be in FL by the end of the year. 

Rephrase:

I Will be in Florida by the end of the year.

Watch me