Lotus Flower Bomb

^^^Good Song^^^

Anyway. 

Havent writtin in a min. 

Kinda wanna talk about Marc

Makayla. 

School. 

Life. 

Drama. 

First off, I love my mother. And i respect her as a person. Not necessarily as a mother. 

And i know that she is Makayla's mother. But the urge to knock the shit out of her when she makes Makayla cry is not ignorable. 

Somehow my brain twisted up life and has me sanctioned as Makaylas mother. 

Probably because I generally spend more time with her then either my mother or my father. 

This is also causing confusion for the child. She will listen to me above all people. 

She is good when its just me and her... for the most part. She is still 2, of course. 

But let one of our parents come home, I swear its a different child. 

But, like Sarah. I AM THE ONLY one on this earth allowed to make that child cry. For any reason. 

and IDC if she deserved that spanking. 

I still want to cause harm to any person that makes her cry that isnt me. 

Twisted. 

I know. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marc.

I like him. Hes so damn sweet. 

Didnt think I'd want to end Anthony and I "flirationship" any time soon,

but Marc kinda has my attention. 

Keenan wasnt too happy about it. 

But he got/will get over it. 

Melinda sure as hell wasnt happy about it. 

in a selfish way, I am unconcerned about her feelings. He doesnt like her back. 

He likes me

I like him

Um. Yea. 

And she was all like, "im going to keep you as a friend, but I lost a lot of respect for you"

....

ok? 

Cause i was so sitting on pins and needles wondering if you were going to still be my friend

lmao

Lord i am such a bitch sometimes. 

But when I want something, I want something. 

And keenan attempted to tell me "no"

Boy what? get out of here with all that. 

You dont get to tell me anything. 

I just wanted to have the common decency to let you know what was going on before you heard it from someone else. 

~~~~~~~~~~

School. I like school. Im just about finished with orientation. I cant wait to start my actual classes. 

October, I do believe. The second week. 

We shall see how this goes. 

I am excited :)

I saw what classes are coming up first, one of them is ethics and it sounds like something thats right up my ally. 

Im such a nerd, 

I cant wait to see what the class is all about. 

Anyway. Ciao for now :)

Only Get High When My Lows Come Often

Days like today make me think of drastic things. 

Today hurts me. 

Not just because its the 10th ann. of 9/11

even though i am saddened by the memory. 

But because Keenan is half way around the world by now. 

My best friend. It hurts me. 

I love him too much. 

Niko has been gone for a month. 

a month. 

Im still gripping him being gone

let alone realizing that hes been gone for 4 weeks. 

On top of being empathetic and sympathetic to all that have suffered because of 9/11

One top of having dreampt about Maurel

And i miss him so much. 

And missing one person makes me miss another person

and its a chain reaction...

Im so tired. 

Vulnerable.

Im feeling very vulnerable today...

Like the open wound on my heart is being bared to the world. 

Im hurting today. 

Keenan is going back over seas...

Maurel came to visit me in my dreams

Which is nice but at the same time, its hurts me to miss him so much. 

I keep his tags around my heart. 

Keenans too. 

and Brians. 

These people mean the most to me...

I still feel sad for Niko. 

I feel sad for my relationship with Sarah too.

Everytime she comes home i try really hard to be excited and to like her and to want to be around her. 

I try to love on her and spend time with her..

But i just cant bring myself to enjoy being around my 10yo sister. 

I love her to death, I do, please dont get me wrong. 

I just SO HARD TO LIKE HER. 

Shes a mathmatical thinker with no sensor on her mouth. 

She doesnt think about whether its appropriate for her to say whatever it is shes about to say. 

And everything out of her mouth is SO DAMN LITERAL that you cant enjoy having a convo with her. 

Sarcasm goes WAY over her head which baffles the hell out of me because she lives with one of the most childish sarcastic men on the planet. Not to mention she lives with myself and my mother, 

two individuals who are fluent is sarcasm...

I will never understand. 

I can only hope our relationship gets better as she gets older and learns her social ques better. 

I hope. 

Nikaeo

^^^^^^^^

Im naming my child that. Boy..girl..not sure. 

Part of me just wants to sit and think and let the pain be felt. 

Another part of me just wants to bury myself in some project to put off feeling anything. 

Havent decided what im going to do yet. 

One this is for sure, Im going outside. 

The sun is out

and that alone makes me happy. 

Ambition

Life is finally starting to come together for me. 

Even though i went on a bunch of different vacations this summer, it has been a very stressful summer indeed. 

However, School has worked itself out seemingly, 

Much to my relief

Finding a job seems to be looking up to. Seeing as ive had two interviews 

and have applied to many other places. 

I am very excited that my old job at the daycare called me back to schedule an interview.

I would love nothing more then to go back and work there. 

I miss those children, and even my co-workers. 

I really hope i get that weekend job. I hope she calls me back with some news soon..

This way i can work two jobs and move out that much faster. 

What is so funny is people are out there saying there are no jobs and/or its so hard to find a job.

But ive never had that problem. 

Childcare is ALWAYS needed. 

Because there are ALWAYS children and stressed out parents

I really hope Jaanu and I can get into this apartment out in PA. 

It almost seems too perfect. 

My mom asked me if i was sure i wanted to do that. 

That id prolly have to work full time and still go to school and would i be able to do that? 

I didnt have the heart to tell her that i didnt care how hard it was, Im moving out of this house come hell or high water. 

Its about an hour and a half from my parents. 

Which is plenty far enough away to escape the BS. 

But close enough that i can still come home and see them ALMOST whenever i want lol 

Life just seems to be looking up. 

You broke up with me because my best friend came home from war?

MY BEST FRIEND.... came home from fucking IRAQ... and you knew i wanted to spend time with him.... so you broke up with me?!

Im sorry... what?

So let me see here.... this kid... whos been around for YEARS vs yours few months... whom ive never dated before in all the years that ive known him... and youre insecure of him... you dont even have the RIGHT to be insecure over him. or any of the other guys i hang out with because they've ALL BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS and i havent dont anything with them yet....... so wtf makes you think that AFTER i go out with you, i would suddenly change up.

On top of that, you accuse me of not caring.... oh dear Anthony thats the worst care you could ever play against me. Ive told you time and again dont go to war against me. And here you've done starts WWX. I really can put up with a WHOLE lot. Ive learned a lot of patience and self control in my 20 years. However. That will always get under my skin