These Are My Confessions...

Dear... Whom ever it may concern...

   I am writing to inform you that I am not so sure about this decision. Well, not the decision its self, but the timing of it.

I dont know if you know, but I talk to a life coach once a week. Shes like my confidant, my therapist of sorts. I told her what we were talking about. She told me that maybe, maybe we should wait.

We should wait because I havent lived my life. Something I hadnt thought of before. We were talking about how oppressed I feel under my mom and dad's rule and how it wouldnt be a good idea to jump from one set of constraints to another.

And that kind of hit home. It made me realize that part of my agreeing to get married so soon was so I could get the hell out of my house. So I could start a life I could finally call mine... and yet, by getting married, its still not mine. Its still shared, its still lived for someone else... And lets not forget that I am not only getting married, but getting married to the military, which supercharges the fact that my life is not my own and not under my control. Its under the Army's. Which I've been battling with on my own already. I have issues with authority telling me how I should live my life. Hell, I dont let my parents tell me how to live my life... why would I let some CO tell me how to live? What? no.

   I have always wanted independence. That means more to me than a lot of things. Emotionally, I have been struggling with the thought of being at the mercy of the Army and of you. The thought of asking permission to do anything makes me want to slit my wrist, and I would be more willing to do that then actually ask. Its why Ive told you that, married or not, I will work, because I will not be 100% dependent upon you. I will die.

   I want a chance to live. To play my life out exactly as I want it. I want to have a legit job. A career that I can rise through. Maybe I'll even move out and be on my own before I decide to move in with you.
Before you really start to panic, understand that this does not mean that I no longer want to be with you. I really hope that you can respect me as an independent woman and respect my decision to live my life on my own before attaching chains and ropes and weights to my life. I wish that you would be there with me, to support me and love me as I have been there for you through all of your living.

   I feel like this will make us stronger, as I will feel accomplished and self assured and I wont feel like I jumped from one trap to another. It will also help in as far as knowing that I CAN do for myself, so if our marriage ever falls through, or something happens to you and I am left alone, I wont not have anything. I will already know that I have this education, that I have a history and a great resume so I just have to go and build up a new life. But Im not a fish out of water.

   Ive always believed marriage is a partnership. 50/50. But in the scenario we are building, it would be more like 80/20 financially, and 20/80 emotionally. Where is the equality in that? Ive always had it planned that my house hold would be a two income house hold and I would pull my share of the weight. I never want to myself into the position of being "owned" or "trapped" or with out a second option. I do not want to feel like I am obligated for any other reason than I chose to be. Not because I have to be.

   I want to be proud of myself. Its also a way to let you know that if you ever fuck up, ok well, thats fine, cause I dont need you I can do for myself, so goodbye.

   I hope thats something you understand. Even now, I dont need you. I want to be with you because you have a way of making me happy. But I dont need you in my life to complete mine. I also hope that you dont ever come across as needy. Its not an attractive quality, and if you ever tell me you need me or your life is over... I will turn and walk away and not come back. Relationships and Marriages are partnerships. Not life boats.
 
   I hope you are understanding everything I am saying. I dont want to leave you. But I am not ready to give up my life to live yours. I hope you can understand my want and need to post bone the massive amounts of sacrifice you are asking of me. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you, but everything to do with how I feel about myself. I am tired of being defined by who Im dating. I will define myself and one of the words to describe me will be Independent.

  I will be Mrs. Independent before I am Mrs. Walters, should I decide to take your last name. I have to do this for myself before I do all those things for you.

   I really hope you understand.

Love,
Me

Army Girlfriend

I am an Army Girlfriend. 

People always ask me,

How do you do it?

Why do you do it?

Isnt it hard?

How can you bring yourself to sacrifice?

How: I just do it. There is no how. 

You just do. 

You get up everyday and do what you gotta do to make the day come to an end. 

You dont think about how much you miss him

or sleeping alone. 

You just do. 

Why: Because I love him

Because God has a wonderfully twisted sense of humor and decided to make me, a child of very little patience and a whole lot of anxiety, fall in love with a soldier. 

a person that requires a great deal a patience and comes with a shit ton of anxiety. 

Yes, its hard. 

Yes, it sucks

Yes, I miss him

Yes, some days I resent him, resent the Army. 

Yes, some days i want to give up

because not having someone to hold onto is so hard

Because I cant and wont bitch and complain to him about everything little thing I could bitch and complain about because, psh, Im not in a war zone. 

His problems trump mine. 

Yes, it scares the shit out of me

Yes, i fear that he wont come home to me

and even worse, 

I am an Army Girlfriend

Which means I know nothing unless he or his family tells me

The Army doesnt really care about us...

Yes, sometimes I ask myself If i am crazy.

Sometimes i think I am.

But, It is what it is 

Im tired of people asking me how and why

and looking at me with this like, pity

Its not something that can be explained. 

I cant tell you how I do it

Its not something you'll ever understand until you have to do it yourself. 

You dont know how to be beyond Army Strong until you have to be. 

And you just have to be. So you are. 

And so you dont tell him that you've cried.

You dont tell him that you are scared

and you tell him you love him every chance you get. 

Because we have to be more than Army Strong. 

I have to be more than I can be. 

And i can be

So, fuckin Hooah, bitch. 

get at me :)

I Dont know who wrote the following, but its all over the internet if you search military/army girlfriend.
It holds so true.
So it needs to be shared:

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.



I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.


I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger that symbolizes our commitment. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions… smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.


I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.


I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness, and tears beyond my control.


I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

Panic Mode...

Omg... I am so jumping into a shark tank with out a damn clue how to swim, let alone having a bite suit on...

Fuck

I have so much to do and learn before August

Can I possibly cram that much information into my brain and retain it in... 6 months? 

Oh dear Lord... what if its less? Brian said theres a possibility he'd come home earlier...

At first its all like "WOOHOO"

Then its like

OH SHIT. 

I dont know ANYTHING about the military. 

* panicking, panicking panicking*

Ok, I mean, Yea, I do know some, from bein around it for the past couple years...

But not that much. I know like, have a droplet compared to the damn POOL of information that is the Army

* panicking, panicking panicking*

I am so scared. 

What if i fail?

What if i mess something up?

Forget something?

OMG

What if i call a superior by the wrong rank!?

* panicking, panicking panicking*

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...

aaaaaaaahhhhh

* panicking, panicking panicking*

Ok. Ok. Woosah Chell. 

You have Sarah.
She said she'd help you. 

I mean, who better to talk to than an actual Army wife? 

And, she'll actually be there when I get to NY. 

Like, she basically said she claimed whatever time I wouldnt be spending with Brian as hers lol

Which, prolly will really be the case cause its a whole new place, world, life and Ill still be learning how to swim. 

I dont want to tell Brian about my panicking. 

Then he'd just worry and he doesnt need to. 

I want him to be proud of me. 

I want to show him I can handle myself. 

Cause I can. 

I just have a whole shit ton to learn

* panicking, panicking panicking*

fuck me...

Fireproof

I have been reading this book that Sarah suggested to me. Its called "Fireproof" by Eric Wilson and others.
Its been so enlightening. Here I thought I had a good grip on how to make a relationship work... And maybe, for the ripe old age of 19, I do... but this book has definitely opened my eyes to how much it really takes. Its definitely changed my view of Brian as a person and Brian as my partner. Im 80% done with the book I started 3 days ago.
Now I have to actually go get a copy of "The Love Dare" and keep it with me. To remind me just how much it takes. Its funny, people think that a relationship requires things and romance. But it doesnt only need that. Those are the lesser of the important things.
The most important is Trust. Pulling a very close second is Respect. Then Pride, pride in your partner as you strip away your own pride.
This book has reminded me that I've pulled away from God. And that in God will I be able to be a good partner to Brian.
In my opinion, a relationship is designed to work because both partners are dedicating their lives to taking care of the other one. A relationship, a marriage, those vows we trade, are my saying I am here to support you and take care of you in the best of my ability, for the rest of my life, and In return, all I ask is you do the same for me; support and take care of me to the best of your ability for the rest of your life.

I truly suggest this book to anyone in a relationship or any one looking to be in one. It changed my whole perspective. Even if you arent a Godly person... remove the God and look at everything thats left... Its nothing shy of amazing...

The worst part is how so very humbling this book is. Everything it suggests are things we know we should do. And during the "honeymoon" phase, we do them with great valor. But once we earn the heart of that person, we slack... leaving our partners in the fire, alone. And how are they to pull themselves out?

I hope I remember this book and everything its taught me. I am going to try my hardest to be a damn good partner to Brian. I want to fireproof my relationship... and you never leave your partner, especially in a fire.

The Perfect Ring

Ive found it.

The perfect ring

Of course. The perfect ring is nearly $2000

But omg I want it sooooo bad. 

Its so beautiful. 

Its the whole Bridal Set. The engagment ring and the band. 

Its very simple, like I like, 

But it just screams my personality. 

Purple and Black Diamonds? 

What?
And the band is a simple circle of white diamonds that just gleamings off the black and purple.

(STILL NOT A RAVEN FAN)

But, I adore black diamonds and my favorite color, if i had to chose one, would be purple. 

like, how much better does it get than this?

*Stares longingly*

Shit, if my fiancée cant afford it, I will pay on it too. 

Think Im playing

No other ring could possibly compare to this one. 

I saved the damn picture to my computer. 

I will dream about it until I get it. 

If i gotta buy it my damn self. 

Try me. 

No other ring will ever be good enough. 

I want that one. 

Point. Blank. Period. 

shit fuck damn

Fucking lady.
EXCUSE THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF ME FOR BEING STRESSED OUT TOO> YOUR LIFE IS NOT THE ONLY LIFE THAT FUCKING SUCKS.

Man, this God loving woman that you show everyone else certainly is not the same woman when the camera is off. You are such a bitch. Like, the fuck? Im not allowed to be pissed off??? You pissed me off!! OH! But God forbid people dont bend over backwards to forgive you, and yet you still hold shit over my head that I did when i was THREE.

Such. A. Fucking. Hypocrite.

You get on my fucking nerves. Stop talking to my boyfriend. You got a problem? Talk to me. I will handle it. Leave him the fuck alone, in case you forgot hes fucking DEPLOYED. He doesnt need to worry about OUR problems Stateside.

Fuck.

On top of that. Im so fucking sick of taking care of YOUR damn children. I didnt have them, I didnt tell you to have them, nor did I sign any damn contract saying I would fucking raise them for you. Stop assuming I am just going to be around to watch them. Find a damn nanny or baby sitter.
I mean Shit, at least have the decency to ASK me to watch your children. Dont just assume that because I am home that Im just gonna take on the responsibility. The only reason I keep them as often as I do is because I think you are psycho and I feel better when they are in my care and not souly in your.
BOOM.
And you always ask... "we have a good relationship, dont we? You feel like you can talk to me, dont you?"
No? What? When did you ever get that Idea? Thats never gonna happen. Cause you'd friggin kick me out the house If i really spoke my mind, no matter how respectfully I attempt to do so. Because its always disrespectful if someone doesnt agree with you 100%

Get your head out your ass woman. You cant fix other people if you are in the psych ward yourself.

Man are you in for a rude awakening when I move to NY. You arent going to have a clue what to do with yourself or your kids. Have fun with that

This Woman Needs

My second mother sent this to me. She is also a Cancer so I identify with her in a lot of things. Of course, it also means we butt heads on a lot of things lol but she is still my second mother and I dont know what I would do without her. But this simple paragraph she sent me couldnt sum me up any better if I tried to write it myself. Not a thing in here is incorrect or needs further explaining. 


So this woman; this Cancer, this moody, multiple personality havin, bitch fit throwin, domineering, controlling, possessive, insecure, scared, independent woman... needs: 


Cancers need a stable partner they can hold on to!
Cancers need a romantic partner who accepts their moodiness!
Cancers are very sensitive to sarcasm & misunderstandings, so tread lightly!
For Cancers, love & sex go together. Show them love, & they will open up!
Cancers have difficulty trusting their lover; they don't want to be hurt!
Cancers can be quite sexually creative!
Be quiet & gentle around a Cancer!
Cancers are very protective of their feelings

Grrr to the Nth muh fuckin power

fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck

The monotony of my life is suffocating. 

Get up. Go to school. Go to work. Come home. 

Uuuh. 

Day in and day out

I feel so negative about my life right now. Maybe its just this weekend. IDK. 

This feeling like everything I want is so friggin far away. 

Because It is so friggin far away. 

Just. feel. Like. 

Blah. 

Him...

Just... him

Any one that truly knows me knows who Im talking about.

If you dont. Dont ask. 

Because I dont want to retell the tale. 

All i know is that seeing him last night did not one good thing to my heart. 

I honestly wanted to stab myself in the heart...

Then maybe it wouldnt feel the way it did...

No, not pain, per se.

More like.. the constant want of the one thing that is so very bad for you. 

The one thing you shouldnt have.

That same fire that has burned you time and time again.

And you still touch it.

Because you are an idiot. 

I saw him.. and almost convinced myself to drink myself into oblivion. 

Almost

I have more self control than that. 

Nor do i feel the need to self medicate. 

I can deal with all those emotions completely sober. I may not want to, But I can. 

He wants to talk... But I cant. 

I just cant. I cant talk to him because of how so desperately bad i want to talk to him and i KNOW it would be wrong and wouldnt  end well. 

And I cant take that Risk. 

Now when I have Brian. He is too good to risk. 

I wish i had a grace period...

Where I could do whatever the hell I wanted... But still be able to have my Brian. 

But, thats called cheating. And I am so far above that. 

But everything in my heart is screaming to go see him

While everything in my head is like Hell to the Muh' Fuckin No. 

....

This is why I want to stab myself in the heart. 

Then maybe it will stop sending me mixed signals. 

He will push me to drink...

If he sticks around. 

He will push me to find any and every way to relieve myself of thoughts of him

Which could be very, very bad. 

Mommy...

All my life, All my life I have wanted to be a mommy. When I was a little girl, I had more baby dolls then I could count and I took care of each and every one of them as if they were alive.
When I was 8, Ethan was born and there started me on the road to a life constantly full of children. My heart wrapped around one child or another. Its dawned on me that even since Ethan, there has never been a year that I wasnt taking care of one child or another.
I love my children. They are my whole world. Every child I've ever cared for. People use to always call me "a good little mommy" and/or "mommy number 2"

I use to dream, for years, about being a psychologist. Well, I dont want to do that anymore.
My second passion was Criminology. My goal was FBI. That was the career I was aiming for. But with research and questions and just plain common knowledge... I became torn with my two greatest passions.

Children, and Criminal Justice.

I battled with myself for a good year, trying to decide what I wanted more; to work for a kick ass career and be a kick ass, independent, rule the world type of woman......

Or be a mommy....

I felt like I was tearing my heart apart... Trying to chose.

Because if I were to chose the career, I wouldnt have children. Not because I couldnt, but cause I wouldnt. I refuse to be the parent that sticks their kids in a daycare for nearly 12 hours a day... I want to raise my babies. ME. Not some institution or someone else who runs a daycare out of their house.
No. Not after my mother was a stay at home mom. Well, work at home mom. But either way, she was home. All the time. MY MOTHER actually raised me. Not someone else. I want to give that to my children.

So, i battled. Career? Motherhood? Career? Motherhood?

I think, it was a given... I chose Motherhood. I cant not be a mommy. Children are my greatest passion. I switched my education to go in a direction to focus on children. So even if i have to wait to have my own, I will have the love to give to other children. Then, I can possibly incorporate my own children into whatever I am doing.

I want to open a daycare. Working at the daycare I work at now has given me so many ideas. Things to do and things to NOT do. Cause man some of their rules get on my damn nerves. But thats not important.

What is important is following the biggest part of my heart. Which is surrounded by the sticky little hand prints of small children.

Ethan, Sarah, Makayla, Bella, Emma, Abbey, Reece, Iman, Bella, Sebastian, Alex, Cody and All the other little ones in the 2yo rooms and all the classrooms. Every little child that I get to smile while looking over Mommy or Daddies shoulder in the store or sitting in a restaurant.

My heart smiles. Why I thought I wanted anything else, I dont know. Criminal Justice will be a secondary passion always. I will always read, watch and learn, because I like it.

But I will give it up, the career, willingly, so I can be a mommy.

Because that is what I live for. For the day I can hear that cry, See that smile, hear that giggle and hear that one word.... "mommy" come from a small beautiful brown baby.

Perhaps its a shame... that at the ripe old age of 19, my internal clock is ticking. I want to wait, because there are things I want to do as a young adult... But I so badly want to be a mommy too... Im dont bein a kid.

My thoughts... take em or leave em.

Take it like a Soldier, dont cry

Introducing, my favorite female artist

Melanie Fiona!

Whos song has been adopted as my anthem:

Bang Bang- Melanie Fiona

I also love this song... which will be introduced to whomever I marry, before i marry him, just so he knows what hes up against ;) 

Because, you know, dont want them to be blind. Gotta make sure they can hold up their end of the bargain 

hahahahahahahaha

There is always a song for every personality. Melanie's music speaks to me. Shes so real. She doesnt sensor or hide. She sings about real shit. 

Like, how you better give it to me right. 

:D 

Take Off Your Halo...

I sit back sometimes, and i have to laugh...

I always find it so amusing how people dig into my life. 

Like, am I really that interesting? 

I didnt use to think so. 

I was always that fly under the radar kind of girl

Not one for drama, not one for confrontation. 

And yet, it finds me. 

Mom told me the other day that I should be cautious of Aaya. Which I found to be funny cause when I had seen her at school last, she had acted funny, didnt even give me a hug or ask about Steven and I...

So i was like.. ok.. red flag much? 

So when Mom said what she said I had to laugh. 

She told me that Steven told her that Him and Aaya had been hanging out, and that someone had been telling him what Ive been saying about him on my FB. 

Hmm...

Ok. Well that would only be but so many people. 

So Aaya would be my first guess,

Jessica would be my second guess. 

And its not that I dont want him to know what Im saying. I honestly dont care. I have nothing to hide. But I do care about whoever is playing the role of snitch. They gots to go. I dont have time for all that mess. 

At least be honest with it. 

If you dont agree with something I did, be a man/woman about it and say so. 

Dont smile in my face and creep behind my back. 

Although, guess, as far as Aaya is concerned, I am kinda creepin behind her back. 

think Brian and I have made in painfully obvious whats happening. 

And as of the last time I spoke to her, shes still in love with him.

So i suppose she prolly sees it as me stealing him from her.

I guess she thought she still stood a chance. 

I know how that feels. I use to think I stood a chance with Josh until he up and got married. And even though we had been apart for so long, it was still crushing. 

So I would understand how she felt. 

Even though... you know... Brian was mine before Aaya ever came into the picture. 

you know.. just sayin

IDK. 

I have no legit proof. Though I do think shes trying to get with either Keenan or Steven. 

Keenan is a OH HELL TO THE MUH FUCKIN NO. 

idgaf what she does with Steven. 

Cant Help But Wait....

Everybody loves the weekends. Loves to be able to sleep in a lil and relax. 

Slowly sip on coffee, maybe read the paper, catch up on all those DVR'd shows you didnt have time to watch. 

Or just plain and simply actually spend some time with your family. 

Well, when I get married, move out, live with my wonderful husband

I just want to be able to have that day. That one day, to just enjoy his presence. 

Like in the song "Banana Pancakes"

Who doesnt want to just have a lazy day with their other half?

Especially a rainy day, no one wants to go outside. 

Lets just stay in bed, enjoy being with each other. Get up late, make breakfast together, forget we even have phones. 

What woman doesnt want to feel cherished like that? 

I know I do. 

I also happen to love banana pancakes. 

Its funny too because I hate pancakes. Like, normal pancakes. They make me gag. 

But I love banana pancakes (LOTS of bananas though), especially with some Nutella :) Mmmmmm

My favorite breakfast ever <3 

And Of course, the ever Sexy Keith Urban and his song

"Rainin On Sunday"

Ive always loved this song. Wake up on a Sunday... oh? its pouring rain? 

Its cold? 

I wouldnt know, curled up next to my man, all warm and safe. 

Let it rain, pour, storm like crazy

Ive got all the shelter I need, right here. 

All the love in the world to keep me warm <3

*sigh*

Such a hopeless romantic. 

Setting myself up for heartbreak :/

Or at least disappointment. 

Oh well.

sex

IS OVERRATED. 

lol random, I know. 

This blog topic came from a very amusing conversation i had with some girls yesterday.

So allow me to restate...

Sex is overrated. 

Seriously. 

Like, all this hype, like, people be addicted to that shit and Im just like... why?

I mean, dont get me wrong, sex is cool and all that. 

But addicted? 

Like... there be people that are all like "omg i couldnt go a week with out sex, let alone a year"

I mean... its not that hard, really. 

Ive gone weeks, months, over a year. 

Its ok. really. 

You're not gonna die. 

Like, after a while, you dont even think about it. 

You're just kinda like, you know, w/e

Idk, maybe the dudes from the other day were right lol

Maybe I just havent been with the right dude.

Been with the bitch niggas that dont wanna try the damn door swing.

LIKE WHO DOESNT WANT TO TRY TO DOOR SWING!??////

What.Ever.

Im not bitter. 

Really... 

lol

But yea. Sex is totally overrated.

ESPECIALLY.....

when...

you put in all that effort...

for no reward...

Its like makin the mouse run through the maze and not givin the poor thing the damn cheese. 

Soon that mouse gonna say fuck it and fuck you

especially after some 4 months of it. Then the mouse really gonna say fuck it and it might even try to attack you. 

So yea. fuck the smut books that I read, that shit dont really happen. Its all a lie.

One huge conspiracy. 

Especially with the whole hopeless romantic-ness too

thats a conspiracy too

cause that shit dont happen either. 

but im not bitter.

What? 

Where would you ever get an idea like that?

>_<

"I wanna grow something wild and unruly"

I love to write

It calms me

Just like how I love to color

Something about having a sort of physical exertion, no matter how small, to help me balance my thoughts, is calming. 

I havent written In a while. Life has been kinda crazy. Its leveling out now though. 

My newest semester started last week.

Spring Semester 2011

It hectic. Class and work 4 days a week, all day long, and just my one shift on fridays. 

I literally show up on campus no later than 9am

And dont leave until around 6pm. 

They are very long days. 

I think i will be alright though. 

Cause even though they are long days, I have a different motivation then Ive had before. 

And being busy means the days go by quicker as I count down first to August, then to November <3

I have decided what I am going to do about transferring

I am going to go to University of Phoenix and do their online Psychology program. 

Having spoken to the school several times and spoken to several other schools, both campus based and online,

this is the one I like the most. 

Something about it just calls and I want to go there. So that is that. 

No more questions or opinions. Thats what I am going to do, possibly come June. 

It will allow me to get a better job, and I can work school around work. 

I can do it. 

I know that. 

So far, this year has been a good year. I think it will continue to look up. 

Last year, i remember, everyone was so negative. And, for good reason, for most of us. 

This year though... this year holds something. 

Not quite sure what it is, but I know its good. Or at least the beginning of good :)

Even though most days I am tired. I am happy. 

I work towards my goals and I wait impatiently to see if the things I cant control will swing in my favor. 

If they do,

I am set 

:)