Mommy...

All my life, All my life I have wanted to be a mommy. When I was a little girl, I had more baby dolls then I could count and I took care of each and every one of them as if they were alive.
When I was 8, Ethan was born and there started me on the road to a life constantly full of children. My heart wrapped around one child or another. Its dawned on me that even since Ethan, there has never been a year that I wasnt taking care of one child or another.
I love my children. They are my whole world. Every child I've ever cared for. People use to always call me "a good little mommy" and/or "mommy number 2"

I use to dream, for years, about being a psychologist. Well, I dont want to do that anymore.
My second passion was Criminology. My goal was FBI. That was the career I was aiming for. But with research and questions and just plain common knowledge... I became torn with my two greatest passions.

Children, and Criminal Justice.

I battled with myself for a good year, trying to decide what I wanted more; to work for a kick ass career and be a kick ass, independent, rule the world type of woman......

Or be a mommy....

I felt like I was tearing my heart apart... Trying to chose.

Because if I were to chose the career, I wouldnt have children. Not because I couldnt, but cause I wouldnt. I refuse to be the parent that sticks their kids in a daycare for nearly 12 hours a day... I want to raise my babies. ME. Not some institution or someone else who runs a daycare out of their house.
No. Not after my mother was a stay at home mom. Well, work at home mom. But either way, she was home. All the time. MY MOTHER actually raised me. Not someone else. I want to give that to my children.

So, i battled. Career? Motherhood? Career? Motherhood?

I think, it was a given... I chose Motherhood. I cant not be a mommy. Children are my greatest passion. I switched my education to go in a direction to focus on children. So even if i have to wait to have my own, I will have the love to give to other children. Then, I can possibly incorporate my own children into whatever I am doing.

I want to open a daycare. Working at the daycare I work at now has given me so many ideas. Things to do and things to NOT do. Cause man some of their rules get on my damn nerves. But thats not important.

What is important is following the biggest part of my heart. Which is surrounded by the sticky little hand prints of small children.

Ethan, Sarah, Makayla, Bella, Emma, Abbey, Reece, Iman, Bella, Sebastian, Alex, Cody and All the other little ones in the 2yo rooms and all the classrooms. Every little child that I get to smile while looking over Mommy or Daddies shoulder in the store or sitting in a restaurant.

My heart smiles. Why I thought I wanted anything else, I dont know. Criminal Justice will be a secondary passion always. I will always read, watch and learn, because I like it.

But I will give it up, the career, willingly, so I can be a mommy.

Because that is what I live for. For the day I can hear that cry, See that smile, hear that giggle and hear that one word.... "mommy" come from a small beautiful brown baby.

Perhaps its a shame... that at the ripe old age of 19, my internal clock is ticking. I want to wait, because there are things I want to do as a young adult... But I so badly want to be a mommy too... Im dont bein a kid.

My thoughts... take em or leave em.