Him...

Just... him

Any one that truly knows me knows who Im talking about.

If you dont. Dont ask. 

Because I dont want to retell the tale. 

All i know is that seeing him last night did not one good thing to my heart. 

I honestly wanted to stab myself in the heart...

Then maybe it wouldnt feel the way it did...

No, not pain, per se.

More like.. the constant want of the one thing that is so very bad for you. 

The one thing you shouldnt have.

That same fire that has burned you time and time again.

And you still touch it.

Because you are an idiot. 

I saw him.. and almost convinced myself to drink myself into oblivion. 

Almost

I have more self control than that. 

Nor do i feel the need to self medicate. 

I can deal with all those emotions completely sober. I may not want to, But I can. 

He wants to talk... But I cant. 

I just cant. I cant talk to him because of how so desperately bad i want to talk to him and i KNOW it would be wrong and wouldnt  end well. 

And I cant take that Risk. 

Now when I have Brian. He is too good to risk. 

I wish i had a grace period...

Where I could do whatever the hell I wanted... But still be able to have my Brian. 

But, thats called cheating. And I am so far above that. 

But everything in my heart is screaming to go see him

While everything in my head is like Hell to the Muh' Fuckin No. 

....

This is why I want to stab myself in the heart. 

Then maybe it will stop sending me mixed signals. 

He will push me to drink...

If he sticks around. 

He will push me to find any and every way to relieve myself of thoughts of him

Which could be very, very bad.