Dear... Whom ever it may concern...
I am writing to inform you that I am not so sure about this decision. Well, not the decision its self, but the timing of it.
I dont know if you know, but I talk to a life coach once a week. Shes like my confidant, my therapist of sorts. I told her what we were talking about. She told me that maybe, maybe we should wait.
We should wait because I havent lived my life. Something I hadnt thought of before. We were talking about how oppressed I feel under my mom and dad's rule and how it wouldnt be a good idea to jump from one set of constraints to another.
And that kind of hit home. It made me realize that part of my agreeing to get married so soon was so I could get the hell out of my house. So I could start a life I could finally call mine... and yet, by getting married, its still not mine. Its still shared, its still lived for someone else... And lets not forget that I am not only getting married, but getting married to the military, which supercharges the fact that my life is not my own and not under my control. Its under the Army's. Which I've been battling with on my own already. I have issues with authority telling me how I should live my life. Hell, I dont let my parents tell me how to live my life... why would I let some CO tell me how to live? What? no.
I have always wanted independence. That means more to me than a lot of things. Emotionally, I have been struggling with the thought of being at the mercy of the Army and of you. The thought of asking permission to do anything makes me want to slit my wrist, and I would be more willing to do that then actually ask. Its why Ive told you that, married or not, I will work, because I will not be 100% dependent upon you. I will die.
I want a chance to live. To play my life out exactly as I want it. I want to have a legit job. A career that I can rise through. Maybe I'll even move out and be on my own before I decide to move in with you.
Before you really start to panic, understand that this does not mean that I no longer want to be with you. I really hope that you can respect me as an independent woman and respect my decision to live my life on my own before attaching chains and ropes and weights to my life. I wish that you would be there with me, to support me and love me as I have been there for you through all of your living.
I feel like this will make us stronger, as I will feel accomplished and self assured and I wont feel like I jumped from one trap to another. It will also help in as far as knowing that I CAN do for myself, so if our marriage ever falls through, or something happens to you and I am left alone, I wont not have anything. I will already know that I have this education, that I have a history and a great resume so I just have to go and build up a new life. But Im not a fish out of water.
Ive always believed marriage is a partnership. 50/50. But in the scenario we are building, it would be more like 80/20 financially, and 20/80 emotionally. Where is the equality in that? Ive always had it planned that my house hold would be a two income house hold and I would pull my share of the weight. I never want to myself into the position of being "owned" or "trapped" or with out a second option. I do not want to feel like I am obligated for any other reason than I chose to be. Not because I have to be.
I want to be proud of myself. Its also a way to let you know that if you ever fuck up, ok well, thats fine, cause I dont need you I can do for myself, so goodbye.
I hope thats something you understand. Even now, I dont need you. I want to be with you because you have a way of making me happy. But I dont need you in my life to complete mine. I also hope that you dont ever come across as needy. Its not an attractive quality, and if you ever tell me you need me or your life is over... I will turn and walk away and not come back. Relationships and Marriages are partnerships. Not life boats.
I hope you are understanding everything I am saying. I dont want to leave you. But I am not ready to give up my life to live yours. I hope you can understand my want and need to post bone the massive amounts of sacrifice you are asking of me. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you, but everything to do with how I feel about myself. I am tired of being defined by who Im dating. I will define myself and one of the words to describe me will be Independent.
I will be Mrs. Independent before I am Mrs. Walters, should I decide to take your last name. I have to do this for myself before I do all those things for you.
I really hope you understand.
Love,
Me
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