Envy

Yea, I know, Its a deadly sin...

But i cant help the way I feel. 

I cant help being so overwhelming jealous of everything Eva has...

She's getting everything Ive always wanted. 

~A good man

~A good looking man at that

~That treats her like a friggin queen

~That acknowledges all of her flaws and loves her through them

~Hes military... Army

~He hasnt done anything blatantly retarded to fuck up his career... at least not yet

~Hes paying for her to go to school

~Taking her away from here (ok, granted, its to MO.. but STILL)

~Hes loving and supportive, no matter how small her problem might be

What I cant stand... is that Ive wanted all the above for YEARS. 

How is it... why is it... that everyone around me is getting everything that I want? 

Getting married, going to school, havin babies

Its not fair. 

I know what I want my life to be...

So i dont understand why i gotta be the one to wait for it....

Its.

So.

Gay.

So im gonna play Jagged Edge all day

and daydream about a distant future. 

</3

Control

i swear i feel like i have none...
always bound by one person or another
Its why I refuse to go out with anyone.
I am so fucking sick of chains and rules i could scream.

Mom was all like "im not saying no, but Im not saying yes either"
well, who the fuck asked you?
I certainly didnt.
I asked what you thought. you said some good point... not really. but Ill let you have some glory.

When... WHEN do i get to make my own decisions? like.. i have to ASK you to move out?! The fuck? No.

You know what? Ima just go. Pack my shit up one day and go.
I cant live like this anymore.

Leap Of Faith

You know, some times, you just have to do things. 

With out really thinking about them

Sometimes, you just have to jump and trust that faith will catch you 

Sometimes, you want one thing so bad that you've been banging on that door for so long, 

that you never noticed the wide open door behind you. 

But you turn, you see it, see the hope it holds. 

and dart through just as its closing, praying you made the right choice. 

So i have this opportunity. Its in the opposite direction of what I originally wanted. Its actually west of what I wanted. Its past Florida and just before and a lil north of Texas...

My girlfriend is going out there and wants me to go with her. 

I really want to go. 

At first, of course, I thought, what will everyone else think?

But you know what? 

Who the hell cares? 

I am so sick to death of making decisions based on what other people want. 

Ive been talking about gaining control over my life for so long now, and yet I havent done a damn thing about it. 

Well, that has to change. 

Im done asking for shit. 

Im just gonna do. 

Yea i'll miss my family. 

But thats why God invented planes. 

And telephones

and Skype

I dont know how, but im just going with it. 

Seems to me that life isnt ready for me to move to FL. 

so, lets try MO

I need to see something other than the east coast anyway. 

Its an opportunity to do something different. 

How many times is it going to come around? 

Some people will be upset, but again, they will get over it. Im done shaping my life around other people. 

flashbacks

I remember now...

why i dont drink...

green apple anything is my weakness

and i remember now, why i dont drink...

I dont understand, if this is what being buzzed, tipsy, drunk etc feels like

WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?!

I dont understand

this is not a good feeling

cant even eat the peanut butter sandwich i made to soak up the alcohol

cause you know, whenever i drink its usually on an empty stomach

and of course, isiah made the mix, so it was strong, and i had to drink the whole cup in like 10 min

so it just went straight to my head. 

trust me, its been hard to type this post, cause my world is on its ass cause im such a friggin lightweight. 

But, I am proud to be a lightweight. It means i didnt give into the peer pressure of partying, drinking and smoking my last highschool and first years of college away. 

This is the most ive drank since senior week

man, i keep having flashbacks

this is how i started feeling that night at SR week before i almost friggin died. 

(ok, maybe i didnt almost die, but i would have rather died then felt the way i did)

smh

momma said once that shes allergic to certain alcohols

or something like allergic. It effects her in a bad way

So ima assume im the same way, cause everytime i drink vodka, i want to die. 

so lemme just not. 

ever

again

and i swear if one more person asks me to drink with them

ima blast them into next wekk. 

and i DARE someone to make fun of me. Ima give them a concussion and spin them around 100 times and ask them how they feel

then tell them thats about the equivilant to what i feel when i drink even a lil bit.

so suck my dick bitch. 

uuuhhhh

I would so much rather die then feel the way I am feeling right now. 

you friggin know what?

I DARE a guy to make fun of a girl

or blame the way she is acting on her period.

next time a dude says something retarded like that to me

im look at him and be like 

LOOK MOTHER FUCKER

YOU bleed for 7 damn days and not die

YOU take a hundred painkillers and STILL deal with cramps and back pain

YOU keep working even though all you want to do is curl up in a corner and Cry

YOU fight the urge to preform surgery on yourself

YOU dont wear your favorite pants because you are 3 sizes bigger then normal

When YOU can do all these things, not kill someone and STILL get everything done

Then you have the right to say something

Until then

STFU

Army...

This post is going to be hard to write.. But i suppose in order to deal, I have to get it out. This post is going to be about Keenan. Because in a little over a month, hes leaving. I have to say it openly, willingly. I have to admit it, realize there is nothing I can do about it, and move on.
I love my Keenan to death. Me and him, we have seriously been through it. Ive had to say goodbye and send him to basic. Send him to Texas... Now I have to send him over there. It kills my heart and soul. I worry and I am so scared. I know, I know. They say its better... Yea well, if it was so much better, why have we been over there for so long?
I cried. Watching Army Wives was a really bad idea. It brings to reality everything I have to deal with, just minus the legal obligation. The emotional burden, the mental burden... it still sits on my shoulders. I dont have to be married to the Army to feel so deflated by the knowledge.
Keenan means so much to me. I was telling mommy, Keenan is to me what Aunt Carolyn is to you. If I ever lost him, I would not be the same. I suppose I would survive the loss, but I wouldnt be the same.
Its no joke when they say as a man(or woman) joins the military, so does their family.
I know, I know, Keenan's only going to be gone half the normal time... but 6 months is still a long time... What happens if hes not as lucky as Brian and hes not stationed on a base with good communication to the states. I would go crazy not being able to talk to him. At least with Brian, I get the luxury of knowing hes ok at least every few days.
I cried though.. today. Just thinking about the day I have to say goodbye. I dont know why it hit me so hard today. I just started crying... I suppose Ive probably been putting it off since I even found out (which was forever ago)... Ive never been good at dealing with stuff like that... aka i dont deal with stuff like that.

As if Brian wasnt enough.  As if dealing with that wasnt a challenge enough on its own. Why Keenan? Why both of them? WHY at the same fucking time? WHY??? Its moments like these I truly resent the Army. Resent my friends for joining.

Im not sure how Im supposed to deal. Its like, when you think about it, how do you get over the sadness? How do you get over missing someone? How do you get over the fear?

I may not be Army strong... I can only be Chell strong, and dont get me wrong, thats pretty damn strong... but I dont even feel Chell strong right now...

Sad Face

I want to go home :(

some days, I love HOCO

other days I hate it with a white hot passion. 

I dont miss the people from home. 

and the only reason i dont go back home is because all those people are still there

But i miss my land...

and more

I miss the water.

I miss fishing, and more so, i miss crabbing. 

My soul is in serious need of reconnecting to its roots. 

i feel so discombobulated. 

I need to see my water. Stand in the middle of it and breath the briny air

But since I have no idea if i will ever get to again, 

I will settle with some crabs..

hell, Ill buy them alive and cook them my damn self...

I just need some real crabs

good ol blue crabs, and shit ton of old bay, a cup of vinegar, a butter knife and some time. 

Some good company would be nice too. 

and a smirnoff.

All set up outside on a sturdy table. 

Hella newspapers to ensure easier cleanup. 

The sun shining. No breeze, on this day, 

cause then we'll get shell pieces in our eyes (trust me, not fun)

some music playin... good conversation

that would be

The

Perfect

Day

but, i suppose, it is only a fantasy. 

Stick and Stones may break my bones

but chains and whips excite me ;)

na na na come on

teehee

ok, that video goes a LIL overboared with the S&M

im not into the whole S&M scene... thats just weird. . . 

but can i help it if chains and whips really do excite me? lol

chains, whips, restraints, cuffs, swings

TEEHEE ;)

Just because i LOOK like an angel....

doesnt mean I am an angel...

what is it that Keenan calls me? 

His Demi-Angel

<3

basically put:

walks like an angel, talks like an angel, looks like an angel, makes everyone that doesnt know her think shes an angel

until you get to know her. 

then you find out shes the devil on earth. 

Now isnt that exciting? 

~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~

New Topic

What in the world am I gonna do with my spring break? 

Was supposed to go to OC with Eva.. but that fell through...

in fact, she seems to be the serial murderer of plans... :/

Isiah cant get off work long enough for us to go to OC either...

Makes me sad. 

I crave sunshine. 

Today was a nice day, windy, but nice. 

Im very excited about the lilies i planted on the deck. 

Lily's are my favorite flowers of all time. 

I have white and yellow ones. They are SO pretty. 

When i get my own place, I will have lilies everywhere. White, yellow, stargazer, tiger lilies. 

They make me happy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Topic

I really shouldnt write about this

but, he pisses me off

Steven. 

white boy steven

WHY the FUCK are YOU still TALKING to ME?!!

I dont understand. 

Why?

WHY?
WHY????

So many people have explained it to me

and cool

hes a loser and he is trying to find any and every way to stay even a distant part of my life

but what i dont understand is

WHY?!

Why does he want to come back to the same fire that burned him not once, not twice. BUT THREE TIMES?!

Woosa...

I honestly dont care what he thinks about me

But he wants to involve Brian

I care about Brian and what he thinks

Why though, is Steven jumping down my throat about whether or not i said happy birthday to brian?

Honestly, I wanted to be like "omg, if you think Im such a bad friend and that i was a bad girlfriend, then YOU be his damn girlfriend and YOU suck his dick. You're already on his nuts"

Damn. 

DUECES!

"Baby girl, you are welcome here anytime, you just say when, and I will be there to pick you up at the airport.  As for moving here, that is completely  up to you.  My house is crazy, so enter at your own risk.  If you could tolerate sharing a room with the girls and living in the same house as Andrew, then come on down."


 Boom! And there it is. My official out of MD card! Thats the response I got when I told my aunt I was losin my mind up here. I have a couple thing I have to accomplish first (new job, license, car?, Savings and enrolled in my new school) but I think I can manage all that by July. My dead line to pack my shit and fly down is July 12 and MAN OH MAN i cant wait.

Especially because my girl Ashley is gonna be down there at the same time and Im SO FRIGGIN EXCITED to see her I cant stand it. We are going to go apartment shopping together :) :) :)

The most important of all things to accomplish is getting a job with the new company. Thats gonna be my primary focus. Then, when I actually get to FL, get another job outside of the home. Cause I'd go crazy if i worked and went to school in the house. Baaad Juju lmao

Man, with every bad thing that happens, life hands me something like this *que happy dance*

"Nobodies Princess"

Thats the title of a really good book i read a while ago, that i related to. 

So, this blog will relate to titles

Mainly, ones that dont exisit

Let me start by saying

I Am Nobodies Anything

If i speak to you, then you are a friend, possibly even a very good friend,

But unless I have formally told you otherwise

You are nothing more than that. 

Now, I am not trying to be mean,

But I got a couple eye openers today when some people got on my nerves by the somewhat possessive behavior they were displaying towards me. 

No one has the right to call me "theirs"

I dont want anyone to say "you are MY anything"

Chill the fuck out

Im not YOUR anything. 

 I am Michelle.  

I am no defined by who i am or am not dating

And a revelation reminded me that dating is DATING

and is not a relationship

I can DATE as many dudes as I want and I DARE someone to get jealous (again, not like you have the right to)

I am in a relationship with myself

Me. Myself and I

and God

and lord knows if it werent for God, a few people would have gotten blasted today 

I am not "In a relationship" with anybody. 

I AM SINGLE

and I love it

and I dont plan on changing it anytime soon

Yea Im feelin this dude Im talkin to now...

But dont get it twisted,

we just talking. 

I said it was alright for him to call me baby

But I am not his girlfriend. 

I am nobodies Girlfriend.

I am not exclusively seeing anybody.

I am owned by no one, control is all mine. 

I dont ask permission for shit,

and 9 times out of 10 Im not gonna ask your forgivness 

and if you cant handle it

Step.

Thanks. 

72 entries later

And I have gone through a metamorphosis it seems lol

Since Ive started writing, ive gone through so many mindsets. 

Well, Now, Im back on cynical. 

First off, Im probably never going to get married... until like, Im ancient. 

Cause, even though numerous people say they would love to have that life with me and would love to "wake up to my beautiful face every morning" and bla bla bla

I dont like anyone enough to feel the same way about them...

Ive noticed that Ive almost never fully reciprocated someones feelings about me. 

and then I feel bad. 

So because I feel bad that they claim to be hopelessly in love with me and would give me the world

and I totally dont feel that way about them....

then I deal with feeling bad by getting angry

(not very fair to the other person, I suppose)

thats the emotional side talking...

Logic would say that I just havent met the right person. 

And i do believe that. 

I have no idea what kind of person he is going to be

nothing short of amazing with the patience of a saint lol

Someone who can defend himeself (cause apparently Im going to kill my husband)

*shrug*

Someone with a long life span, cause Im going to have a long life (uuuh kill me  now)

And I do not want to burry my husband and the father of my children. 

He has to want a large family and be an active part of it. 

MUST want to adopt more than on child from another country(ies). 

Be totally Ok with and possibly even encourage the violent side of me

While also understand that there is a softer side, Im not an icequeen. 

Someone that doesnt mind my mood swings and has enough self preservation skills to leave me alone when need be

Someone that isnt all touchy-feely 24 hours a day

a talker, cause I am really bad at supplying conversation lol

Idk. Honestly I have no idea what I am looking for lol

I guess I can only say that I just havent found it/him yet

Maybe I'll find him in Florida. 

Or, maybe I'll just wipe my hands of guys in general for a while. 

Like, a long while. 

Less drama.

Am i the only female that doesnt crave this kind of attention and is actually annoyed by it? 

Cause I know a lot of girls that would kill for the kind of attention I get all the time. 

hmm

Wisdom Teeth

I do NOT understand why they are called wisdom teeth. 

I do not get ANY smarter because these unneeded extra teeth plague my existence. 

And Yes, I am going to dedicate a whole (well, half) blog entry to bitching and complain about how much they hurt and how bitchy I am going to be until something is done about them. 

So, on a normal basis, I clench my teeth. (not grind, clench) 

I tend to only do this in my sleep, and then, only when I am supremely stressed out. 

But thats a different kind of ache. 

This ache, in my jaw, is annoying as fuck!

And because it aches, I feel the need to clench my teeth, which... dear Lord

Hurts like a bitch. 

Of course, this reminds me of the day, back when i was like, 14 maybe 15 years old and I had Xrays done on my back

and while the DR looked at them, he informed me that my wisdom teeth would one day hurt really bad

well, im pretty sure its one day

uuuhhhh

On top of that, Ive managed to rub a raw spot in my lip from biting it too much

(bad habits. at least i dont bite my nails)

Umm... yea

So onto another subject

If one more person claims that they are gonna be with me one day

Im gonna cut them

The more people say they are going to do or be ANYthing involving me

the more I pull away

I dont want to be bothered by anyone. 

I dont want anyone to express their undying love they've had since day one 

(cause, its bull shit)

I dont want anyone to ask me if i think we could possibly get together in the future

(cause idk, and idc, and If i havent made a move yet, chances are, i probably wont)

I dont want to even THINK about marriage anymore 

(partly cause, I seriously doubt if thats gonna happen anytime soon, if ever)

Sure as HELL am done with the military guys

(my life isnt cut out for theirs)

I'll talk

I'll flirt

Maybe go on a date here or there

But im done getting/being close with people. 

Its overrated.