Army...

This post is going to be hard to write.. But i suppose in order to deal, I have to get it out. This post is going to be about Keenan. Because in a little over a month, hes leaving. I have to say it openly, willingly. I have to admit it, realize there is nothing I can do about it, and move on.
I love my Keenan to death. Me and him, we have seriously been through it. Ive had to say goodbye and send him to basic. Send him to Texas... Now I have to send him over there. It kills my heart and soul. I worry and I am so scared. I know, I know. They say its better... Yea well, if it was so much better, why have we been over there for so long?
I cried. Watching Army Wives was a really bad idea. It brings to reality everything I have to deal with, just minus the legal obligation. The emotional burden, the mental burden... it still sits on my shoulders. I dont have to be married to the Army to feel so deflated by the knowledge.
Keenan means so much to me. I was telling mommy, Keenan is to me what Aunt Carolyn is to you. If I ever lost him, I would not be the same. I suppose I would survive the loss, but I wouldnt be the same.
Its no joke when they say as a man(or woman) joins the military, so does their family.
I know, I know, Keenan's only going to be gone half the normal time... but 6 months is still a long time... What happens if hes not as lucky as Brian and hes not stationed on a base with good communication to the states. I would go crazy not being able to talk to him. At least with Brian, I get the luxury of knowing hes ok at least every few days.
I cried though.. today. Just thinking about the day I have to say goodbye. I dont know why it hit me so hard today. I just started crying... I suppose Ive probably been putting it off since I even found out (which was forever ago)... Ive never been good at dealing with stuff like that... aka i dont deal with stuff like that.

As if Brian wasnt enough.  As if dealing with that wasnt a challenge enough on its own. Why Keenan? Why both of them? WHY at the same fucking time? WHY??? Its moments like these I truly resent the Army. Resent my friends for joining.

Im not sure how Im supposed to deal. Its like, when you think about it, how do you get over the sadness? How do you get over missing someone? How do you get over the fear?

I may not be Army strong... I can only be Chell strong, and dont get me wrong, thats pretty damn strong... but I dont even feel Chell strong right now...