Vulnerable.

Im feeling very vulnerable today...

Like the open wound on my heart is being bared to the world. 

Im hurting today. 

Keenan is going back over seas...

Maurel came to visit me in my dreams

Which is nice but at the same time, its hurts me to miss him so much. 

I keep his tags around my heart. 

Keenans too. 

and Brians. 

These people mean the most to me...

I still feel sad for Niko. 

I feel sad for my relationship with Sarah too.

Everytime she comes home i try really hard to be excited and to like her and to want to be around her. 

I try to love on her and spend time with her..

But i just cant bring myself to enjoy being around my 10yo sister. 

I love her to death, I do, please dont get me wrong. 

I just SO HARD TO LIKE HER. 

Shes a mathmatical thinker with no sensor on her mouth. 

She doesnt think about whether its appropriate for her to say whatever it is shes about to say. 

And everything out of her mouth is SO DAMN LITERAL that you cant enjoy having a convo with her. 

Sarcasm goes WAY over her head which baffles the hell out of me because she lives with one of the most childish sarcastic men on the planet. Not to mention she lives with myself and my mother, 

two individuals who are fluent is sarcasm...

I will never understand. 

I can only hope our relationship gets better as she gets older and learns her social ques better. 

I hope. 

Nikaeo

^^^^^^^^

Im naming my child that. Boy..girl..not sure. 

Part of me just wants to sit and think and let the pain be felt. 

Another part of me just wants to bury myself in some project to put off feeling anything. 

Havent decided what im going to do yet. 

One this is for sure, Im going outside. 

The sun is out

and that alone makes me happy.