Louder, louder, louder

the screaming in my head... it just keeps getting louder....

From everything I dont say... Its not all big things, Just all the things piling up...

Like Taylor taking the emergency money that she said she didnt WANT>! N IHvm8uimsob

Ahem.....

Like people not making plans, oh but everytime i do something off the fly, im irresponsible.

Like Sarah being so fucking literal i want to smack her

Or her talking out of turn when not a soul was talking to her...

Like wanting so bad just to sit and cry over Niko but i cant cause im never alone and people are fucking everywhere and i want to cut everyone.

And yet feeling like i dont deserve to cry over Niko because he wasnt my best friend and only those people close to him should cry over him and why am i crying if we only talked every now and then?

and mother fucking Taylor wants to just out of no where talk about him and ask about him and it took all my strength to not turn around and be like, STFU you never knew him so you have NO reason to ask about him. Shut and up drive you nosey fuck.

Niko's death reminds me of Maurels, which makes me doubly sad because i miss him alot. And i never got any closure from his death either. No memorial no grave no place or time to say goodbye but for every passing day i prayed to him.

My body gets more and more tense. My back is killing me. The knot in my back is moving up into my neck and down into my lower back. Of course, Im sure the horseback riding, zipline/obstical course, go karting hasnt helped it much, but thats not the point.

At the point where every little thing pisses me off. Like Brian jumping all over my status when NOT A SOUL mentioned him.. actin all hard like he gonna do shit. Im like dude, shut up. No one was talking to you. i was talking to another friend.

Just taking a deep breath hurts my back... Asked mom to see if she could help it out and honestly it just made it hurt worse. All my insomnia has come back with a vengeance, but thats not new, thats been back since FL

You know its bad when just looking at people on fb... people that havent done not one thing you, and you want to cut them.

People commenting on a status that doesnt have a damn thing to do with them... im like.. GET OFF.. No one was talking to you. Go the fuck away.....



Id like to just go sit on the back porch... stare at the pretty mountains... however spiders took over the balcony.. so thats a dead mission....

I just hate when my body manifests whats on my mind. When my chest feels tight, my arms feel heavy, my legs break out and stay broke out, the words in my head get louder and louder...

I sometimes wonder if i shouldnt see someone. Someone professional. Who can tell me whether or not i really am crazy. Whether its normal to think such paranoid thoughts. For the anxiety that flows through my veins is a part of every humans life.

PEOPLE DISCUSSING ME LIKE ITS NOT ON MY GOT DAMN STATUS AND I CANT SEE IT.
Maybe im just in a bad mood. Dont worry about it. How about some self preservation and you just leave me the fuck alone?
Why my mother always gotta be all up in my business like it concerns her. If i feel like snapping at Brian on a particular day for any particular reason, I will do so.

I havent thought about cutting myself in a long time. Since i was about 14. I havent felt like i needed to do something drastic in a long time.

I dont know what to do about dealing with whats in my head.. first, I need to sort it out and figure out WHATS in there to begin with... Ive got so many issues with so many people... Most of it i think stems from feeling like I can express myself. That my words and opinions dont matter. That in my families eyes im always wrong. No matter what logic i have to back me up.
 Ive been on the brink of tears for the past few days... I just wish I had a safe place to let go. There is no where safe. No where where i wont be judged, scored or just called pathetic. Cant even confide in my BF cause he "doesnt do well with death"

...

Well NO SHIT. No one deals well with death. YOUR friend didnt die. MINE did. Least you could do is listen to me. I didnt ask you to try to make me laugh, i asked you to listen to me.

No one will talk to me about it... Everyone shys away from the topic of death like it might reach out and touch them.,.......so i feel so alone. Having to sort through and deal with my feelings with no help. Its not really working and I think its only compromising my already compromised mental stability.