I am going to write this in red. Because red is a dominate color. It stands for power.
And this indeed, Is empowering.
First, I'll start off with
I hate my body.
But not for the reason a lot of girls my age and younger hate their bodies.
I have always been a small girl.
And now, i am even smaller. And I hate it.
I actually try to put on weight. Size 1 jeans?
No.
What happened to my size 4s and 5s?
I was happy with myself then.
But the first round of birth control tried to kill me.
My lowest weight after that BC was 112.
Thats low for a 5'5 female. Not underweight, by DR standards, but low.
Before the BC, i was 130.
Big difference.
Since ive gotten off that BC and onto something different, I have leveled out at around 115. Sometimes higher sometimes lower.
Not good enough.
Despite everyone telling me that I have the perfect body and they'd kill to look like me.
I am, in some ways, just like every other female.
I look in the mirror and see all the things I dont like about myself.
All the things I use to wish I could hide.
But, alas,
That is another difference.
I do not hate my flaws. I accept everything about myself that I cant change.
I still dislike my thighs and my ass... covered in stretch marks.
They have been that way for as long as i can remember.
I still dislike the scars on my back
I still dislike my smile... I use to beg for braces as a kid.
I still dislike my lips, for that one mark on them that has been there forever...
But as I dislike them, I also know that I cant change them. They are a part of me and have been for possibly longer than I can remember.
I accept these flaws about myself.
I have learned to love them somewhat, as they set me apart from everyone else.
The freckle in my left eye
the two snake bite freckles on my right cheek bone and on my right arm.
The beauty mark on my right shoulder and on my left heel
the scar on my left wrist from the damn cat
The scar on my back from the stitches
All the little chicken pox scars that litter my skin all over my body
All these flaws.
But i accept them. I cherish them as a part of myself.
I, like so many other people, entered at one point, that one abusive relationship where the guy would tell me about my flaws. Where he would point them out every day and make fun of me for them.
He was always "just playing"
But there is always truth between every JK
I walked on egg shells around him, trying my hardest to hide those flaws or distract him from them.
I did the dress nice every single day and wear tons of makeup all the time thing.
But you know, there comes a point in time where you say enough is enough.
Where you look him in the face and say FUCK YOU
I am
Michelle Katherine Genevieve Dixon
and I love and accept myself and all my flaws and just who the fuck are you to tell me I am not perfect?
I am perfect in myself.
And I may not be perfect for you, But someone out there is going to find me and love me and adore everything about me...
Even my flaws.
And that someone isnt going to remind me about the things I dislike about myself
he will not tell me there is anything he doesnt like about me.
Because i will be perfect in his eyes.
Perfect for him.
The one lesson that I try to tell my girlfriends is that you cannot possibly expect someone else to love you, if you do not love yourself.
If you cannot love yourself, it becomes nearly impossible to give love to someone else and thus impossible to accept the love they have to give.
Because if you love yourself, then it doesnt matter what other people think.
Just because that one person rejected me
it didnt cause me to be depressed, to be overly self conscious, or go to drastic measures to change myself.
I still wear shorts, despite my stretch marks.
I still smile a full smile, despite the flaws
I dont hide my mouth (though im not sure how i would even if i wanted to) because of the mark on my lip.
Because
"I am beautiful, in every single way. Words cant bring me down. I am beautiful, no matter what they say. no words wont bring me down"
And, I think, that that is all.
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