72 entries later

And I have gone through a metamorphosis it seems lol

Since Ive started writing, ive gone through so many mindsets. 

Well, Now, Im back on cynical. 

First off, Im probably never going to get married... until like, Im ancient. 

Cause, even though numerous people say they would love to have that life with me and would love to "wake up to my beautiful face every morning" and bla bla bla

I dont like anyone enough to feel the same way about them...

Ive noticed that Ive almost never fully reciprocated someones feelings about me. 

and then I feel bad. 

So because I feel bad that they claim to be hopelessly in love with me and would give me the world

and I totally dont feel that way about them....

then I deal with feeling bad by getting angry

(not very fair to the other person, I suppose)

thats the emotional side talking...

Logic would say that I just havent met the right person. 

And i do believe that. 

I have no idea what kind of person he is going to be

nothing short of amazing with the patience of a saint lol

Someone who can defend himeself (cause apparently Im going to kill my husband)

*shrug*

Someone with a long life span, cause Im going to have a long life (uuuh kill me  now)

And I do not want to burry my husband and the father of my children. 

He has to want a large family and be an active part of it. 

MUST want to adopt more than on child from another country(ies). 

Be totally Ok with and possibly even encourage the violent side of me

While also understand that there is a softer side, Im not an icequeen. 

Someone that doesnt mind my mood swings and has enough self preservation skills to leave me alone when need be

Someone that isnt all touchy-feely 24 hours a day

a talker, cause I am really bad at supplying conversation lol

Idk. Honestly I have no idea what I am looking for lol

I guess I can only say that I just havent found it/him yet

Maybe I'll find him in Florida. 

Or, maybe I'll just wipe my hands of guys in general for a while. 

Like, a long while. 

Less drama.

Am i the only female that doesnt crave this kind of attention and is actually annoyed by it? 

Cause I know a lot of girls that would kill for the kind of attention I get all the time. 

hmm

Wisdom Teeth

I do NOT understand why they are called wisdom teeth. 

I do not get ANY smarter because these unneeded extra teeth plague my existence. 

And Yes, I am going to dedicate a whole (well, half) blog entry to bitching and complain about how much they hurt and how bitchy I am going to be until something is done about them. 

So, on a normal basis, I clench my teeth. (not grind, clench) 

I tend to only do this in my sleep, and then, only when I am supremely stressed out. 

But thats a different kind of ache. 

This ache, in my jaw, is annoying as fuck!

And because it aches, I feel the need to clench my teeth, which... dear Lord

Hurts like a bitch. 

Of course, this reminds me of the day, back when i was like, 14 maybe 15 years old and I had Xrays done on my back

and while the DR looked at them, he informed me that my wisdom teeth would one day hurt really bad

well, im pretty sure its one day

uuuhhhh

On top of that, Ive managed to rub a raw spot in my lip from biting it too much

(bad habits. at least i dont bite my nails)

Umm... yea

So onto another subject

If one more person claims that they are gonna be with me one day

Im gonna cut them

The more people say they are going to do or be ANYthing involving me

the more I pull away

I dont want to be bothered by anyone. 

I dont want anyone to express their undying love they've had since day one 

(cause, its bull shit)

I dont want anyone to ask me if i think we could possibly get together in the future

(cause idk, and idc, and If i havent made a move yet, chances are, i probably wont)

I dont want to even THINK about marriage anymore 

(partly cause, I seriously doubt if thats gonna happen anytime soon, if ever)

Sure as HELL am done with the military guys

(my life isnt cut out for theirs)

I'll talk

I'll flirt

Maybe go on a date here or there

But im done getting/being close with people. 

Its overrated. 

Some Type of Way

So, I finally understand something about myself.

I understand why I always want to be in a relationship.

Cause when Im single, people be pissin me off. 

Its like, im single,

Doesnt mean im available. 

certainly doesnt mean im available to you

I feel the walls, goin up

Heart is...not really icing over... but marbling maybe

Im still Chell, still sweet (sometimes) and loving to those that have proven worthy

But, i no longer want to be close to anyone. 

I just want to be left alone. 

I dont want to date or be in a relationship.

I just want to be left alone.

All these guys that all of a sudden wanna text me?

Yea, I DO NOT have stupid stamped on my forehead. 

You didnt want to be my friend when i was in a relationship,

So clearly you dont want to just be my friend now. 

you just want something, and I'll be damned if the likes of you get it. 

So, on to the next one. 

Whos next to try? 

I promise you'll fail. 

Im sick of people only wanted relationships.

Why cant we just chill?

Why does everyone I get close to catch feelings?

Seriously, Im not that amazing. 

Im mean, sarcastic, un sympathetic, paranoid, slightly schitz, I dont like kissing, Hate to cuddle, dont want to sleep in the same bed with you, wont ask you for help, dont give two shits about your opinion...

Why do you want to be with me? 

GO AWAY. 

Like, theres a little truth inside every JK

so stop JKing about the "relationship" we're gonna have

FYI, its not going to happen. 

So every guy in my life needs to take a good step BACK

if you cant just be my friend with out catchin feelings, then maybe you need to take a lot of steps back. 

Uh. 

SO OVER GUYS

and people in general. 

Yea Im Single

Hmm, Brian Left me...

Well, technically it was mutual

But still, He brought it up. 

Ive never been left before, I am usually the one to say its over

Not sure how I feel about that. 

lol

I wonder how long I can stay off the radar. 

Last time I was single people didnt know for a long time

Wonder if I can keep it that way.

I much prefer not being noticed. 

I enjoy just being me and not being hit on and/or pursued by anyone. I just want peace and quiet. 

I dont want another relationship...

That would be a waste of time. 

Especially if my Aunt really does agree to let me move into her house. 

Then I'll be in Florida this summer, living with her, looking for a job so I can get my own place. 

Or just doing Arise with her. 

Or both.

Both might be a good idea. 

Im sure Aaya is going to have a field day when she finds out we broke up. 

Shes gonna run to everyone and say "I told you so, I told you so"

Whatever. She doesnt have a clue. 

I still love Brian

Of course I do. 

And I will still be his friend, I dont want to push him out of my life. 

He's still a big part of my life. 

This break up hasnt changed the way I think about him

Just the title

Thats all. 

Thats the only thing the general public needs to understand,

Cause i swear the first person to talk bad about Brian is gonna get punched in the throat. 

Like my one friend who just assumed from the jump that Brian had done something stupid and thats what caused the break up. I wanted to be like, "look here trick, you dont know shit about my ex, so you dont go NO room to talk about him"

I talked shit about Steven cause he pissed me the fuck off and didnt understand what no meant

Brian is not like that. 

He didnt beg or plead or cry. 

He was mature about it. 

Took it like a man (lol)

And because he showed me respect and maturity, I can show respect and maturity

(what a concept! Why doesnt everyone understand that?)

So, the rest of this semester should be very interesting...

Saw It Coming

Lol I knew someone wasnt going to like the idea of me moving to Florida

Sorry Sarah, I cant come up there with you...

I adore you, I really do

And if you were stationed anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, I might still consider it

But I cant do it

I hate the snow, i ABHOR the snow. 

I despise the cold

Sarah asked "well what about getting married?"

Well, Its just going to have to wait

There is not a damn thing gonna stop me from going to Florida. 

"Come hell or high water... and the high water might actually come"

I am going. 

My aunt even said I could just move into her house, no rent, just to clean for her

Psh, hell to the yea. 

That might happen this summer while I figure out where I want to establish my own place. 

I cant give up on a dream I've had since i was like, 12. 

I cant, I wont. 

This is how I want my life and this is how Im going to do it and I dare someone to even try to tell me no.

Update

So uuuhh,,

I havent written in a while

(sorry Jaanu) 

Um, mostly cause ive been so bottled up 

Partly cause Im too lazy to even attempt to put down in words all the things going on in my head right now

So much is/had happened this week

My best friend, I mean my BEST FRIEND ABOVE BEST FRIENDS

was home this week. 

He is stationed in Texas

Which is bad enough

Whats worse

that one word... that one word i hate to hear

that one word that may one day land me in the looney bin

deployment

Its a bad word. 

We dont say that word

:/

Iraq...

Sgt Wright told me I should be greatful, as its no longer considered a "battle ground"

Um,

whatever. 

I bet shit still goes down over there, we just dont know about it. 

And even if it has chilled out alot,

that still several times zones, how many countries and a whole fucking ocean away from me

No. Bueno

If i had tears to cry, I would cry...

Sike, i will cry, when he actually leaves. 

I'll break down into a useless puddle of tears, just like I did when Brian left

And then I'll suck it up and prepare to support him like a good little pseudo army wife

SMMFH

I dont know how Keenan and I work
How our friendship works when there are moments when I want to choke the shit out of him
How he puts up with me when I physically abuse him lol
How we've gone months with out speaking and yet,
somehow,
somewhere
someway
by some powers that be
we came right back and picked up where we left off.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and be that as it may,
Im gonna miss the shit out of him
and Isiah has to bear the brunt of it all...
I think, one day, Isiah is going to kill Keenan for leaving us alone together lol
Oh dear Keenan, my own personal WhatTheFuck lol

I swear some days i think i really am crazy. I really am masochistic for allowing myself to love not 1, but several military people

Soldiers, Marines, Airmen

*sigh*

They fill my heart with such pride... and such dread

Idk how I am going to handle Keenan being over there...

I dont know that I'll be able to.

My heart refuses to accept that he'll be so far away from me

If something happens to him, it would surely be the end of me...

Speaking of death

My best girlfriend tried to commit suicide this week

Did i have a clue?

Nope...

She texted me AFTER she was in the hospital

(not really something you text...?)

My heart stopped when she sent that and it took my brain to realize that SHE had sent it from HER phone which had to mean she was still alive

I had to wait to actually be able to talk to her though

The hospital called me and asked to confirm that I was her sister (which im not, No idea how she pulled that one off) 

and told me to write down a number so i could call the room she was sitting in. 

I was so glad to hear her voice and know that she was ok. 

We talked about why she did it, and I understood where she was at mentally (ive been there before, I know what it feels like to be depressed, to be in that place so deep and dark and all consuming that you think there is no other way out... Ive been there...)

I got on her for not calling me or anyone else for help

Reminded her how much I love her and that if she died I would surely have to go with her

I would be beyond devastated if she ever succeeded. 

Ive already lost one best friend (RIP Maurel)

I cant lose another. 

Seriously, as if all my friends in the military wasnt stress on my heart enough, 

Now I gotta hover over her and make sure shes ok

Call her all the time

Text her even more..

Lord, Have Mercy On My Soul...

On top of that, I learned...well, not learned, more like confirmed

Something about myself this week

To some people it may come as a surprise, to others it might not..

All I know is that it changed some things. 

Changed the dynamics of my relationships with some people

I guess time will tell how that goes

ONTOP of all of that

I am actively trying to move to Florida

Like, at first I think people thought I was joking, 

But I am so far from it

If I have to suffer one more winter of snow,

Im gonna crack

(Upstate NY? No. I will kill myself first)

SO, Florida it is

Jaanu is coming with me. 

I want to go down and spend a week or two with my Aunt and look around at options. 

Just a lil apartment somewhere near her

Doesnt have to be anything lavish

and also while looking at apartments, look for a job. 

Might have to take my Aunt's advise and do Arise like she does. 

$12 an hour is MUCH better than $8

And there is always potential for more. 

Gonna have her help me while shes in town. 

I so badly want to go down there its killing me. 

I have next to nothing figured out and I have no idea how Im going to do it 

all I know is that If i celebrate New Years in MD

im going to be all kinds of pissed. 

Yes, I want to be in FL by the end of the year. 

Rephrase:

I Will be in Florida by the end of the year.

Watch me

2 year Anniversary...

Tomorrow, I am probably gonna cry. 

Im gonna cry a lot

Well, maybe not like, that obnoxious crying,

but those silent tears. 

I can feel them already. 

Tomorrow: March 16th, 2011

marks the 2 Year Anniversary of Death for my best friend in the whole world

Maurel Loaan Domingo

On my normal day to day, its nothing to deal with the knowledge that I'll never see him again. 

I just deal with it..

But twice a year, on this day and on his bday (Dec. 1st)

The pain is anew. 

I miss him a great deal and my brain falters on how it fathoms his death. 

Even now, 2 years later

I think hes gonna pop up out of no where and this will all be a joke and I can be happy again. 

But reality reminds me that that can not ever be so. 

And it hurts. 

I wish I had some sign of him. 

Some sign that he still loves me, even from up there

Some sign that he looks out for me.

So sign that he knows that I still and always will love him. 

That he knows I got a special, shiny dogtag inscribed with his name on it, his DOB and DOD

and I wear it, next to the other most important people in my life, 

Next to my heart

Everyday. 

I hope he knows that. 

I have to remember to put that ribbon on

The white and Silver ribbon that was handed out to people that contributed to his fund. 

I can only hope that he is happy. 

That he is finally next to God. 

He deserved nothing less. 

I love him.

No past tense. 

RIP Maurel

My Son, Best friend, Personal psychologist, Angel <3