*deep breath* *Woooooossssaaa*

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Lets just say i got so frustrated that i accidentally erased the whole blog i had already typed.

I Am Beautifully Flawed

I am going to write this in red. Because red is a dominate color. It stands for power.  

And this indeed, Is empowering. 

First, I'll start off with

I hate my body. 

But not for the reason a lot of girls my age and younger hate their bodies. 

I have always been a small girl. 

And now, i am even smaller. And I hate it. 

I actually try to put on weight. Size 1 jeans? 

No. 

What happened to my size 4s and 5s? 

I was happy with myself then. 

But the first round of birth control tried to kill me. 

My lowest weight after that BC was 112. 

Thats low for a 5'5 female. Not underweight, by DR standards, but low. 

Before the BC, i was 130. 

Big difference. 

Since ive gotten off that BC and onto something different, I have leveled out at around 115. Sometimes higher sometimes lower. 

Not good enough. 

Despite everyone telling me that I have the perfect body and they'd kill to look like me. 

I am, in some ways, just like every other female. 

I look in the mirror and see all the things I dont like about myself. 

All the things I use to wish I could hide. 

But, alas,

That is another difference. 

I do not hate my flaws. I accept everything about myself that I cant change. 

I still dislike my thighs and my ass... covered in stretch marks. 

They have been that way for as long as i can remember. 

I still dislike the scars on my back

I still dislike my smile... I use to beg for braces as a kid. 

I still dislike my lips, for that one mark on them that has been there forever...

But as I dislike them, I also know that I cant change them. They are a part of me and have been for possibly longer than I can remember. 

I accept these flaws about myself. 

I have learned to love them somewhat, as they set me apart from everyone else. 

The freckle in my left eye

the two snake bite freckles on my right cheek bone and on my right arm.

The beauty mark on my right shoulder and on my left heel

the scar on my left wrist from the damn cat

The scar on my back from the stitches

All the little chicken pox scars that litter my skin all over my body

All these flaws. 

But i accept them. I cherish them as a part of myself. 

I, like so many other people, entered at one point, that one abusive relationship where the guy would tell me about my flaws. Where he would point them out every day and make fun of me for them. 

He was always "just playing"

But there is always truth between every JK

I walked on egg shells around him, trying my hardest to hide those flaws or distract him from them. 

I did the dress nice every single day and wear tons of makeup all the time thing. 

But you know, there comes a point in time where you say enough is enough. 

Where you look him in the face and say FUCK YOU

I am 

Michelle Katherine Genevieve Dixon

and I love and accept myself and all my flaws and just who the fuck are you to tell me I am not perfect?

I am perfect in myself. 

And I may not be perfect for you, But someone out there is going to find me and love me and adore everything about me...

Even my flaws. 

And that someone isnt going to remind me about the things I dislike about myself

he will not tell me there is anything he doesnt like about me.

Because i will be perfect in his eyes.

Perfect for him. 

The one lesson that I try to tell my girlfriends is that you cannot possibly expect someone else to love you, if you do not love yourself. 

If you cannot love yourself, it becomes nearly impossible to give love to someone else and thus impossible to accept the love they have to give. 

Because if you love yourself, then it doesnt matter what other people think. 

Just because that one person rejected me

it didnt cause me to be depressed, to be overly self conscious, or go to drastic measures to change myself. 

I still wear shorts, despite my stretch marks.

I still smile a full smile, despite the flaws

I dont hide my mouth (though im not sure how i would even if i wanted to) because of the mark on my lip. 

Because

"I am beautiful, in every single way. Words cant bring me down. I am beautiful, no matter what they say. no words wont bring me down"

And, I think, that that is all. 

Still Homesick

Home... where are you?

a place where i left a part of my heart...

this place here... is not really true.

it was always you, i knew it from the start...

crisp blue water...?

no, rather the muddy brown of a well traveled river...

no big huge yaht...

no, rather the breath taking speed of a small whirlwind.

i'd rather not buy my crabs...

no, i'll catch them myself...

lets string up the trot line

and bring in the "wealth"

I miss the land

where i use to run, free of worry

i miss the sand

where i could lay, not in a hurry

Long days, rising before the sun

out on the liquid gold

preparing for a crab run

but these crabs were not to be sold

Coming in before the blaze of the day

the crabs are fighting

but its time to season them with beer and oldbay

put the lid on the pot and start the fire lighting

What more could a little country girl ask for?

I miss my land

so vast, never ending

i knew it like the back of my hand

In the woods, all my time i'd be spending.

I miss running the trails

getting lost, but knowing exactly how to get home

the clouds looking like huge sails

& always collecting pinecones.

So much i could say about this old place

where my name is writtin in the dirt

and my heart will always have its base

but in no ones eyes but my own will it have so much worth.

-me (9/14/10)

I will always love hoco. the people, the places.

But my heart will always reside in southern md.

I will always want my farm back

I will always crave the smell of a salty river

No one will ever appreciate crabs as much as I (except my mother lol)

I will always enjoy fishing and still be oogied out about trying to get the fish off the hook.

I will never have a problem jumping into a river, unless it hasnt rained in a week or so...

because in that case there will be too many jellyfish.

The ocean will never be good enough, its not a substitute.

The city will never love me...

I will never like people enough to be stuffed into a small space with them

I will forever want to buy my own farm and stick my house right smack in the middle of the land.

And until all these things happen again, i will never be 100% happy...

Close? maybe... but not complete.

I will always run around with no shoes on...

I will climb trees barefoot until my bones tell me i cant.

I will always prefer to read in a tree then at a table.

My fear of the dark will haunt me for life...

But i miss being able to truly see the stars..

in a place where street lights dont exist.

This is just who I am... I can like other things, but i will always love this... <3

It hits me now, that the decisions I am making in my life, that places I intend to go, very well may mean I man never see another "bushy basket" again. (Bushy Basket- Bushel Barrel). Crabbing? I may never be able to do that again... I desperately want to go back home. Not to live, but to visit. I miss the water. The briney salty smell of the river. Low tide lol. The feel of the wind whipping my hair as Im driving the boat towards the island. The sun, kissing my skin, but i am going to fast for it to overheat me. I miss anchoring in the dead middle of the river and having a picknick in the direct sunlight. I miss really crabbing. Throwing the trot line off the side and letting the chicken necks tide to it do the work. Then scooping them up and throwing them in the boat, hoping you made it into the basket, most of the time you didnt. So there were 

I am going to make Brian or someone take me back home. I have to revel in my past, and I also want to share it. I want my significant other to know where I came from. Even if he doesnt share the same love for it that I do. He at least should know, See, feel, experience.

I need to see feel experience it again...Somedays, i just get soooo homesick :P 

G.I. Joe

Is my favoritest movie in the whole friggin world

Channing Tatum

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

One delicious white boy.

Oooh be still my beating heart

lmao

Anywhooooooooo

Doughnuts at work today?

Um, score?

Yea. 

I do, however, wish they would tell me when they are over staffed so that im not sitting around bored out of my mind. 

I hate it when one of the kids decides to attach to me, and then I have to leave the room, and damn regulations wont let me take them with me. 

like, the fuck?

I AM MORE QUALIFIED TO BE AROUND CHILDREN THE HALF THOSE PEOPLE THERE.

Just sayin

you know, I only worked with an autistic kid and was left alone with him more often than not for over a year.

JUST SAYING.

.

.

.

.

Anyway. W/e. Im not bitter. 

I am losing my patience. 

The frustration... is...building

I am going to implode. 

(not explode. that would mean something hit me and i went boom...)

THAT IS NOT THE CASE HERE. 

*ahem*

Anyway. 

Detonation is imminent

Implosion. 

(meaning, from the inside) 

I have to find a way to relieve the pressure. Or. I. Might Die. 

Ok, not really. 

But still. 

The dreams at night

are not helping either. 

Nor was the random off the chain conversation with a friend.
Or this mornings conversation with Brian...

fuck chocolate syrup. shits not the good anyway. 

Icee's (slurpie, slushie) are much better 

lmao

;)

Just sayin....

Snow Day :D

So, today has been a pretty good day :)

So i figured Id actually blog about something positive for once. 

Like really hot, really rich hot chocolate after being outside runnin around after the baby in the snow

Mmmmmmm

Snow Days on Howland Road are always so very amusing. 

All the children are out in full force. 

On the side of the row of houses there is a slight hill. 

And they all snow board and do stupid shit they would never do on a legit hill lol

They dont have the balls like My cousins and I when we were kids lmao

Slidin down a steep ass hill, prayin you stop before you hit the not quite frozen creek at the bottom lol

teasin eachother to see who would stay on their sled longest before jumping off out of fear. 

SMH. 

You will always look back and say "was i really that stupid?"

But it was fun then. And yeup, if i could go back to my farm and do it again

I would in a heart beat. 

Makayla didnt really like sledding that much. I think it scared her at first. But we didnt really give her time to prepare either. Just stuck her on the sleigh and sent her down the hill.

...No... Not alone. 

Jessica was holding onto her

Duh

lol

She really loved eating the snow though. 

I mean, REALLY

LMAO

my baby cracks me up

Dont know who taught her to eat snow like that... but you know... whatever floats her boat. 

This baby amazes me. Shes grown up so much. Its hard to believe she will be 2 in June. I will be 20 and Sarah will be 10 in July. 

Smh. 

Where did the time go?

I remember when Sarah was Makayla's age.

And when Makayla was teeny tine, just coming home from the hospital. 

Watchin those two grow up for the age advantage I have has been quite a show. 

Especially with Makayla. Really learning what its like to raise a baby. 

But Sarah teaches me what its like to raise a tween (its hell)

I can only hope that one day, hopefully in 4 or 5 years, When i have my own little brown babies

All the practice and training will make it a little easier on me then on most first time parents. 

I hope it makes me a really good Mommy. 

I mean, I pride myself on being Super Big Sissy

I see, hear and know all things.

It wasnt until Makayla came around that I understood the phrase "Moms have eyes in the back of their heads"

Its so true. 

I am hyper aware of ever little sound

and even more aware of the absence of sound

I always know where she is and what she is doing. 

lol

Mom gets annoyed. 

But im like, yo, forreal, if you would watch your kid, i wouldnt have to. 

Dont yell at her because you were staring at the computer so long you didnt realize she had gone all the way up 2 flights of steps. 

Kayla never does that on my watch.

Of course,

Kayla also listens when i tell her no, and come here. 

lol 

I cant wait to be a mommy. 

RIP Pinky

Maurel Loann Domingo

My son. My Best Friend. My Personal Psychologist.

And now, My Angel. 

We only had a short time together. 

But I cherish every memory. 

Ha, especially Prom '08

That was so funny. He had be crackin up out there on the dance floor. 

All through Spanish class, 1st pd.

My junior year. 

He would talk to me for all 50 mins of that class during the first quarter of school that year. Because i was so painstakingly shy and he was determined to get me to open up. 

He was the guy that told me "Chell, if you ever let a guy hit it, he's not going to give a shit about your stretch marks" 

Of course he said that with his thick I-just-came-from-Africa-3-years-ago accent lol

I was so caught off guard. 

It doesnt matter that he was right lol

I loved that boy with my whole heart and soul

He was such a good soul too. So sweet and honest and innocent. He was an angel on this earth. 

We talked about religion. He was religious, Christian. 

And we'd talk about it, but he never forced it. 

I remember him and Shannon going at it, cause she is Morman lol

I remember having to call him to wake him up in the mornings, so he would get to school on time. And how, after a while of that, he finally was able to get up on his own and didnt need me and he would come to school and sit down before the bell rang and smile at me lol 

I was there for his graduation. 

And we still had a great bond when he went to NC for college. 

We'd talk all the time about what was goin on in my life, what was goin on in his life. We always counselled eachother on eachothers relationships. 

And then... In March.... The most crushing news ive ever gotten. I will never forget a single detail about this day...

You know, its Saint Patricks Day, Im up before the sun, gettin showered and dressed to go to school. Made sure i had all my green stuff on, grab my bag and go out the door. Head up the street and turn, headin towards the bus stop. About to cross the street and turn left and I see bright ass head lights in front of me and watch them as they turn into a near by parking space. Its then that my eyes adjust and i notice its Keenan's truck. I am very confused, because Keenan doesnt attend HS anymore, so he shouldnt even be awake at this hour. He gets out of the truck, but then i hear to more doors close. From the other side of the truck comes Josh (my bf at the time) and Natalie (my best girlfriend at the time). I take one look at Josh's face and immediately know something is very wrong. 

All three of them looked like they had been up all night. They just kept looking at me until i finally started to panic and Natalie grabbed my hands and looked me right in the face and said the classic line "you might wanna sit down"

"JUST TELL ME!"

"Maurel is dead"

.........................................................

"What?"

"he died last night"

*que mental break down*

I have never known pain so raw, so intense, so white hot I wanted to die too. 

I crumpled to the ground, sobbing and Nat tried to hold me up, but i didnt want to stand. Josh and Keenan coming to comfort me, but i pushed them away, needed to grieve alone. In the middle of the street, with the sun starting to rise. I do no know if the other kids at the bus stop saw me. And at the time, i didnt care. I was dying inside and i was trying to hold myself together. I dont know how long I sat curled up on the ground until i was finally somewhat stable enough to stand up again and ask what happened, when why and how. 

I was told he was playing basketball, and lost conscienceness. . They thought it was a heart attack.  I cried, in their arms, barely noticing the bus pass. I finally pulled myself a little more together to realize that I should go home. So Josh walked me to the door (this was after the first wave of drama with him) and Mom and Dad were awake, getting ready for their days, so they heard the door open. So by the time i got up the stairs and knocked on their door. Mom had looked out the window and seen Josh, so her first words when she opened the door her first words were "omg baby what did he do to you?"

lol

I just shook my head, still sobbing, tears pouring, and studdered out "n..n..no mom... he died, he died"

*que alarmed look on moms face*

"WHO??"

"M..M..Maurel"

Saying it, saying his name, brought another wave of white hot pain as i crumpled on their bed. Mom, who had met and spoken to Maurel on several occasions, and knew how much he meant to me, took it as a blow too. Though Im pretty sure it was more a grieving for my grief than really for her own. 

Dad just asked if this was my first brush with death. 

Well. Yea. 

The comforted me as best they could, and eventually i went to my room. Already telling them I couldnt go to school. Mostly because I didnt want to see all the other people grieving. And i certainly didnt want to see those people who werent that close to him at all grieving over someone they didnt know. I would have gone postal. 

I sat in my room, on the floor, writing a long ass letter to Maurel, and to God. No longer violently sobbing, but just the steady stream of tears pouring down my cheeks on to the computer. Mom checks on me periodically. 

After a while, i cant stand being alone so i go in the basement and just sit with her. By now ive stopped crying. Just feeling empty. 

I am texting Josh. Him, Keenan and Nat are still up the street, staying close for emotional support. Out of all of us, Maurel and I were closest. 

Mom told me i could invite them inside to be with me. So they came in and sat with me. We all talked and shared memories and stories we each had with Maurel. It was good to remember him in a good light. I couldnt help but stare at the sky... thinking... "I hope you are happy, up there, with God. You deserve it"

He had been through so much, and he was still so pure. I thought that must be why God took him. He had done what he needed to do on this earth, so God rewarded him by taking him home early. At the ripe young age of 19. 

That was back in March 2009

I grieved. We all grieved. I went back to school the next day, and the day after that, a bunch of us that were very very close with Maurel skipped 1st pd and met in the library. We talked about him, Tristan and another kid sang a song for him, bringing all of us to tears. We sat around and hugged eachother, exchanging stories. No one dared to move us. 

I thought i would want to die forever. But slowly, the pain recedes. 

Days, weeks months. It gets better, up until graduation. May... i wanna say 25th. 

It hits me that Maurel wont be there. While he was alive, he had promised me and several others that he'd attend our graduation. 

At first i wavered, saddened and now even more nervous. 

But as the graduation song started and my line started moving, i knew he was there. Im pretty sure hes why I didnt fall down the stairs (all like 80 some odd of them) 

I knew he was there. My Angel. 

Now, almost 2 years, 1 anniversary  and 2 of his birthdays later

I do not feel the same white hot pain. 

It is a dull ache. Nestled in my heart. Certain things remind me of him. The song, from the previous post. As well as the song "Hole In The Floor Of Heaven"

I cant listen to that song. At all. Its not an option. But thats for another entry. 

I miss my Maurel. My Pinky 

(Oh, the nickname pinky came from an argument him, Josh and I had about Pinky and the Brain. it just seemed to fitting to name this 6'7 dark chocolate straight from africa boy, Pinky lol)

My Best Friend, My Personal Psychologist, My Son. 

My Guardian Angel. 

I Love You Pinky

RIP <3 

Am I Crazy?

I hate this song:
Im Already There (Messages From Home)- Lonestar

I hate it, I hate it , I hate it. 

I hate when it comes on the radio. 

I hate when it comes on my ipod, even though i cant delete it. 

Ive hated it for years, since Maurel died. Its always reminded me of him, its something he would say. And that alone makes me cry. But i hadnt heard this "messages from home" version. Which about killed my heart and soul. 

It just came on my pandora, I thought of Brian, and broke. Something in me broke. Especially when the one woman near the end said "hurry up and come home so we can get married" and you could hear the tears in her voice. 

I hate this song, I hate this song, i hate this song. OMG i hate this song. 

It makes me cry, every single friggin time.

I dont hate this song. I hate the memories it stirs up. And Brian being deployed is not helping this song out. 

This song is going to make me kill myself. 

One day, when my husband is deployed, I am going to hear this song, and lose my mind. 

I think, I must be crazy. For willingly entering this life.