Envy

Yea, I know, Its a deadly sin...

But i cant help the way I feel. 

I cant help being so overwhelming jealous of everything Eva has...

She's getting everything Ive always wanted. 

~A good man

~A good looking man at that

~That treats her like a friggin queen

~That acknowledges all of her flaws and loves her through them

~Hes military... Army

~He hasnt done anything blatantly retarded to fuck up his career... at least not yet

~Hes paying for her to go to school

~Taking her away from here (ok, granted, its to MO.. but STILL)

~Hes loving and supportive, no matter how small her problem might be

What I cant stand... is that Ive wanted all the above for YEARS. 

How is it... why is it... that everyone around me is getting everything that I want? 

Getting married, going to school, havin babies

Its not fair. 

I know what I want my life to be...

So i dont understand why i gotta be the one to wait for it....

Its.

So.

Gay.

So im gonna play Jagged Edge all day

and daydream about a distant future. 

</3

Control

i swear i feel like i have none...
always bound by one person or another
Its why I refuse to go out with anyone.
I am so fucking sick of chains and rules i could scream.

Mom was all like "im not saying no, but Im not saying yes either"
well, who the fuck asked you?
I certainly didnt.
I asked what you thought. you said some good point... not really. but Ill let you have some glory.

When... WHEN do i get to make my own decisions? like.. i have to ASK you to move out?! The fuck? No.

You know what? Ima just go. Pack my shit up one day and go.
I cant live like this anymore.

Leap Of Faith

You know, some times, you just have to do things. 

With out really thinking about them

Sometimes, you just have to jump and trust that faith will catch you 

Sometimes, you want one thing so bad that you've been banging on that door for so long, 

that you never noticed the wide open door behind you. 

But you turn, you see it, see the hope it holds. 

and dart through just as its closing, praying you made the right choice. 

So i have this opportunity. Its in the opposite direction of what I originally wanted. Its actually west of what I wanted. Its past Florida and just before and a lil north of Texas...

My girlfriend is going out there and wants me to go with her. 

I really want to go. 

At first, of course, I thought, what will everyone else think?

But you know what? 

Who the hell cares? 

I am so sick to death of making decisions based on what other people want. 

Ive been talking about gaining control over my life for so long now, and yet I havent done a damn thing about it. 

Well, that has to change. 

Im done asking for shit. 

Im just gonna do. 

Yea i'll miss my family. 

But thats why God invented planes. 

And telephones

and Skype

I dont know how, but im just going with it. 

Seems to me that life isnt ready for me to move to FL. 

so, lets try MO

I need to see something other than the east coast anyway. 

Its an opportunity to do something different. 

How many times is it going to come around? 

Some people will be upset, but again, they will get over it. Im done shaping my life around other people. 

flashbacks

I remember now...

why i dont drink...

green apple anything is my weakness

and i remember now, why i dont drink...

I dont understand, if this is what being buzzed, tipsy, drunk etc feels like

WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?!

I dont understand

this is not a good feeling

cant even eat the peanut butter sandwich i made to soak up the alcohol

cause you know, whenever i drink its usually on an empty stomach

and of course, isiah made the mix, so it was strong, and i had to drink the whole cup in like 10 min

so it just went straight to my head. 

trust me, its been hard to type this post, cause my world is on its ass cause im such a friggin lightweight. 

But, I am proud to be a lightweight. It means i didnt give into the peer pressure of partying, drinking and smoking my last highschool and first years of college away. 

This is the most ive drank since senior week

man, i keep having flashbacks

this is how i started feeling that night at SR week before i almost friggin died. 

(ok, maybe i didnt almost die, but i would have rather died then felt the way i did)

smh

momma said once that shes allergic to certain alcohols

or something like allergic. It effects her in a bad way

So ima assume im the same way, cause everytime i drink vodka, i want to die. 

so lemme just not. 

ever

again

and i swear if one more person asks me to drink with them

ima blast them into next wekk. 

and i DARE someone to make fun of me. Ima give them a concussion and spin them around 100 times and ask them how they feel

then tell them thats about the equivilant to what i feel when i drink even a lil bit.

so suck my dick bitch. 

uuuhhhh

I would so much rather die then feel the way I am feeling right now. 

you friggin know what?

I DARE a guy to make fun of a girl

or blame the way she is acting on her period.

next time a dude says something retarded like that to me

im look at him and be like 

LOOK MOTHER FUCKER

YOU bleed for 7 damn days and not die

YOU take a hundred painkillers and STILL deal with cramps and back pain

YOU keep working even though all you want to do is curl up in a corner and Cry

YOU fight the urge to preform surgery on yourself

YOU dont wear your favorite pants because you are 3 sizes bigger then normal

When YOU can do all these things, not kill someone and STILL get everything done

Then you have the right to say something

Until then

STFU

Army...

This post is going to be hard to write.. But i suppose in order to deal, I have to get it out. This post is going to be about Keenan. Because in a little over a month, hes leaving. I have to say it openly, willingly. I have to admit it, realize there is nothing I can do about it, and move on.
I love my Keenan to death. Me and him, we have seriously been through it. Ive had to say goodbye and send him to basic. Send him to Texas... Now I have to send him over there. It kills my heart and soul. I worry and I am so scared. I know, I know. They say its better... Yea well, if it was so much better, why have we been over there for so long?
I cried. Watching Army Wives was a really bad idea. It brings to reality everything I have to deal with, just minus the legal obligation. The emotional burden, the mental burden... it still sits on my shoulders. I dont have to be married to the Army to feel so deflated by the knowledge.
Keenan means so much to me. I was telling mommy, Keenan is to me what Aunt Carolyn is to you. If I ever lost him, I would not be the same. I suppose I would survive the loss, but I wouldnt be the same.
Its no joke when they say as a man(or woman) joins the military, so does their family.
I know, I know, Keenan's only going to be gone half the normal time... but 6 months is still a long time... What happens if hes not as lucky as Brian and hes not stationed on a base with good communication to the states. I would go crazy not being able to talk to him. At least with Brian, I get the luxury of knowing hes ok at least every few days.
I cried though.. today. Just thinking about the day I have to say goodbye. I dont know why it hit me so hard today. I just started crying... I suppose Ive probably been putting it off since I even found out (which was forever ago)... Ive never been good at dealing with stuff like that... aka i dont deal with stuff like that.

As if Brian wasnt enough.  As if dealing with that wasnt a challenge enough on its own. Why Keenan? Why both of them? WHY at the same fucking time? WHY??? Its moments like these I truly resent the Army. Resent my friends for joining.

Im not sure how Im supposed to deal. Its like, when you think about it, how do you get over the sadness? How do you get over missing someone? How do you get over the fear?

I may not be Army strong... I can only be Chell strong, and dont get me wrong, thats pretty damn strong... but I dont even feel Chell strong right now...

Sad Face

I want to go home :(

some days, I love HOCO

other days I hate it with a white hot passion. 

I dont miss the people from home. 

and the only reason i dont go back home is because all those people are still there

But i miss my land...

and more

I miss the water.

I miss fishing, and more so, i miss crabbing. 

My soul is in serious need of reconnecting to its roots. 

i feel so discombobulated. 

I need to see my water. Stand in the middle of it and breath the briny air

But since I have no idea if i will ever get to again, 

I will settle with some crabs..

hell, Ill buy them alive and cook them my damn self...

I just need some real crabs

good ol blue crabs, and shit ton of old bay, a cup of vinegar, a butter knife and some time. 

Some good company would be nice too. 

and a smirnoff.

All set up outside on a sturdy table. 

Hella newspapers to ensure easier cleanup. 

The sun shining. No breeze, on this day, 

cause then we'll get shell pieces in our eyes (trust me, not fun)

some music playin... good conversation

that would be

The

Perfect

Day

but, i suppose, it is only a fantasy.