Louder, louder, louder

the screaming in my head... it just keeps getting louder....

From everything I dont say... Its not all big things, Just all the things piling up...

Like Taylor taking the emergency money that she said she didnt WANT>! N IHvm8uimsob

Ahem.....

Like people not making plans, oh but everytime i do something off the fly, im irresponsible.

Like Sarah being so fucking literal i want to smack her

Or her talking out of turn when not a soul was talking to her...

Like wanting so bad just to sit and cry over Niko but i cant cause im never alone and people are fucking everywhere and i want to cut everyone.

And yet feeling like i dont deserve to cry over Niko because he wasnt my best friend and only those people close to him should cry over him and why am i crying if we only talked every now and then?

and mother fucking Taylor wants to just out of no where talk about him and ask about him and it took all my strength to not turn around and be like, STFU you never knew him so you have NO reason to ask about him. Shut and up drive you nosey fuck.

Niko's death reminds me of Maurels, which makes me doubly sad because i miss him alot. And i never got any closure from his death either. No memorial no grave no place or time to say goodbye but for every passing day i prayed to him.

My body gets more and more tense. My back is killing me. The knot in my back is moving up into my neck and down into my lower back. Of course, Im sure the horseback riding, zipline/obstical course, go karting hasnt helped it much, but thats not the point.

At the point where every little thing pisses me off. Like Brian jumping all over my status when NOT A SOUL mentioned him.. actin all hard like he gonna do shit. Im like dude, shut up. No one was talking to you. i was talking to another friend.

Just taking a deep breath hurts my back... Asked mom to see if she could help it out and honestly it just made it hurt worse. All my insomnia has come back with a vengeance, but thats not new, thats been back since FL

You know its bad when just looking at people on fb... people that havent done not one thing you, and you want to cut them.

People commenting on a status that doesnt have a damn thing to do with them... im like.. GET OFF.. No one was talking to you. Go the fuck away.....



Id like to just go sit on the back porch... stare at the pretty mountains... however spiders took over the balcony.. so thats a dead mission....

I just hate when my body manifests whats on my mind. When my chest feels tight, my arms feel heavy, my legs break out and stay broke out, the words in my head get louder and louder...

I sometimes wonder if i shouldnt see someone. Someone professional. Who can tell me whether or not i really am crazy. Whether its normal to think such paranoid thoughts. For the anxiety that flows through my veins is a part of every humans life.

PEOPLE DISCUSSING ME LIKE ITS NOT ON MY GOT DAMN STATUS AND I CANT SEE IT.
Maybe im just in a bad mood. Dont worry about it. How about some self preservation and you just leave me the fuck alone?
Why my mother always gotta be all up in my business like it concerns her. If i feel like snapping at Brian on a particular day for any particular reason, I will do so.

I havent thought about cutting myself in a long time. Since i was about 14. I havent felt like i needed to do something drastic in a long time.

I dont know what to do about dealing with whats in my head.. first, I need to sort it out and figure out WHATS in there to begin with... Ive got so many issues with so many people... Most of it i think stems from feeling like I can express myself. That my words and opinions dont matter. That in my families eyes im always wrong. No matter what logic i have to back me up.
 Ive been on the brink of tears for the past few days... I just wish I had a safe place to let go. There is no where safe. No where where i wont be judged, scored or just called pathetic. Cant even confide in my BF cause he "doesnt do well with death"

...

Well NO SHIT. No one deals well with death. YOUR friend didnt die. MINE did. Least you could do is listen to me. I didnt ask you to try to make me laugh, i asked you to listen to me.

No one will talk to me about it... Everyone shys away from the topic of death like it might reach out and touch them.,.......so i feel so alone. Having to sort through and deal with my feelings with no help. Its not really working and I think its only compromising my already compromised mental stability.

My Will

Plain and Simple...

If for some forsaken reason i die early...

I want EVERYONE to know that if you people bury my body in the ground i will have an absolute COW and come back and haunt everyone.

I merely wish to be cremated and thrown back into the river from wence i came.

OR, the ocean off the domincan republic.

Denial...

My friend, Niko..... He didnt survive... He tried, he was strong, he held out for almost 4 days, trying to come back... I guess God said he had suffered enough.

What haunts me is that i dreampt about Niko last night. We were kickin it like we use to. Just talking, and i asked him how he was and he was smiling, said he was fine. Everything was all better. He was being his normal goofy Niko self.

It bugs me... I know, everyone else said it was probably him telling me that he really was fine now, because the pain was gone.... but still, he couldnt have forewarned me?

I know he wasnt my best friend in the whole world and i know the people closer to him are mourning him MUCH greater than i am... But its still sad that he wont ever pop up again.

It was routine... every few months he'd hit my phone or fb, asking when the hell we were gonna hang out. We'd play phone tag for a while and it was always funny.

He'd comment on my pictures, only the ones he really like... even tagged himself in one cause he was in love with it. Told me i was just shy of perfect in another one lol

Thats just how he was... I cant stop myself from wanting to talk to him... this is one time i wish i could truly control the gift/curse that mom says i have. I wish i could call out for him and bring him to me and talk to him... Of course, if i could do that, i would have spoken to Maurel and my Grandmother on many a occasion.

I just dont believe hes gone.... When you think about and truly fathom then finality that is death. Its not like he moved to another state.. another country.. No.. he is all the way gone.................................

For some reason... it is just so hard to wrap your mine around...

Everything Happens in 3's

In this situation...

I pray God forbids it. 

Im hearing the my friend...isnt going to survive...

Not mentally...

Im told hes brain dead...

I have no confirmation of this yet...

Either way, is hes not dead, hes very much damaged. 

My biggest fear... whats crushing me right now...

Is that makes two accidents close together...

Who is next? 

No.. I dont want to think like that...

But do i not have the right to be afraid? 

to know that all my friends and family are out there driving and what happens if someone else gets in a reck...

and they dont survive...

and that someone is someone close to me...

Jaanu, Taylor, Anthony, Siah, Steven, Eva, 

Or worse, someone in my family...

It would crush me...

So dear God, as everyone moves on with their lives oblivious to my fears

Please drive with them, walk with them, be with them. 

Keep them safe and bring them to their respective homes in one peace. 

In Jesus' name...

Amen. 

Its so Loud, Inside my head...

I wish the outside world could hear me screaming inside my head.

I wish i could say the words ive kept in for so long

I wish they would stop coming out in my dreams

My teeth keep falling out...

Yea...

I know it means i need to express something thats heavy on my mind. 

But i cant. 

Wont. 

She wouldnt hear me, even if i did. 

She would just remind me of everything ive ever done since the day i was born

despite the fact that i didnt ask to be born, so technically, everything is her fault. 

I was a accident baby anyway

so its really all her fault. 

"Its so loud, inside my head, with words that i should of said...as i drown in my regrets...i cant take back...the words i never said..."

Keeping my mouth shut is starting to crush me...

Its starting to become unbearable...

I dont want to feel like this about my own mother...

But im just tired. 

Im tired

"Im so tired of being alone inside my head

begging to share these words so long unsaid

As i write it down on paper, i hope one day they will be read

until that day i shall lie here and cry alone in my bed"

Now i mean, yea, kids are supposed to help their parents out and parents are supposed to teach us responsiblity

but that doesnt include taking care of a child thats not mine almost everyday, nearly all day long (unless i leave, thus forcing you to watch your own kid)

nor does that include giving up all these weekend to put hella fucking work into a house im not going to live in...

but hold up...

Just heard my friend was in a car accident... and hes touch and go in the hospital....

all my problems seem so....minor. 

I love you Niko. 

Please be ok. 

Or at the very least...feel no pain...

smh... my lil brother being in his car accident was bad enough. He was just banged up... nothing life threatening. 

thats scary enough. 

Niko... hes in shock trauma...

im done here...

stupid boys

I hate knowing that a relationship is over, but the other person fucking refuses to end the shit...

I hate breaking up with people. Anthony and I didnt last long lol... i think this is my second shortest relationship ever... 3 weeks being the shortest.

But he wont do it. like, fucker, how you gon' be mad a basically end the relationship with your actions, but you wont MAN THE FUCK UP and handle ya damn business? You want me to believe youre talking to other females, and you may or may not be, but either way thats what you want me to think..

Well baby, you wanna act single, then be single. Have fun.

I wouldnt mind acting single too.

especially with one very sexy, lightskinned, old friend from highschool. And babe, you've given me every reason to not want you, and want all of him.

smdh.

What happened to all that talk about "idk how anybody could leave you"

Usually cause i always did the leaving.

Looks like im gonna have to walk away again...

A relationship based off of arguments and sex... not the strongest foundation lol
It was fun while it lasted...but this ignoring me cause youre mad at me bullshit is overrated. I am not the one to break first when i know i was not in the wrong.

See, it might take me a while, but i will eventually admit when I am wrong. I wasnt wrong this time and you brought this argument on. And you wanted to not respond and not talk to me like you thought i would hit you up first...

not likely.


It doesnt matter how irritated i am with him though. It always fucking sucks... breaking up with someone... I hurts me, knowing i hurt them.

And honestly, I think it just hurts me.. Having to cut off someone i was close to.

We were close..Anthony and I... I am going to miss him, i cant even lie. But i couldnt keep up with the back and forth. The constant arguments if we go more then a few days w/out seeing eachother... the pride, the ignoring eachother, the always being angry unless we were fcking eachother...the yelling, the cussing...

It hurts me to let him go,....but i think its for the better. Momma said major changes were instore for me anyway...


My only fear is that hes going to hate me... and thats the last thing i want.

If there ever was a time to hate the word love

It would be now...

However, contrary to previous posts, I do not believe feelings are over rated. At least not in this case.
Recently ive noticed a trend. Again. I seem to go through this once a year. . the trend of guy friends confessing their feelings. Or, I just know they have feelings from previous conversations and current actions.

I just dont understand them sometimes. How can you have feelings for someone who has never confessed feelings for you?

I love my guy friends, I do. Its just SO hard to look at them and know that somewhere in there and behind that facade, they are wishing i was their girlfriend.
It has to hurt them... being around an object of their affection and not getting the kind of affection they want in return...

Its hurts me... to know that i wont ever return it the way they want me to.

It blows my mind, that these guys with these seemingly undying emotions still even want to be my friend. Wouldnt most people, out of self preservation, push me away? And while i am blown by this concept of stick around to keep your hand in the same hot fire... I am also greatful. Because i do love my guy friends. I have a grand total of 3 girlfriends that i can just kick it with. But my guy friends are who i really run with. So i love that they can (most of the time) push their feelings aside and just be chill with me...

Until they feel the need to confess the way they feel... Then it makes it awkward for me cause i know they think if they tell me how they've always felt, I will respond with some deep rooted feelings ive always been hiding...........which is never the case. I am about as honest as it gets with the way i act. If i like you... you'll know. If im attracted to you...you'll know. If i just wanna be friends...you'll know that too. If i have feelings... you'll know. Im a TERRIBLE liar and my emotions are written all over my face. I really not hard to read if you know me.

So if you're looking in my eyes for some sign of the same undying love you've kept harbored for me and you dont see it.... it cause its not there... We're not in a romance novel. Sorry guys.

And whats worse... its not just one guy friend. Its not like its just the one dude i usually kick it with... oh no. of course not. That would be tolerable. No. its ALL OF THEM. and im like... fuck.

Isnt there some sort of quota? Some stopping point of how many hearts a girl can steal? Theres got to be a limit.
I cant keep filtering all these peoples emotions. Its wearing me down.
It causes me to walk on egg shells cause i wanna chill with these people and have everything go back to normal, but it never will.

smh...

You know... girls would KILL to get the kind of attention i get. Shit, they can have it. I can honestly sit back and say, that in the year of 2011 alone (and mind you its not even august yet), I have either become aware of, or already knew about 6 possibly 7 dudes that have feelings for me.

That shit is crazy... How many girls get that much attention?
Honestly... I dont want it. I cant possibly return that love, even if i wanted to.

What do i do with it? What do i do knowing that the guys im closest to, the guys i trust the most... have feelings for me? What do i do know that i do not return that love?


I really dont know. Part of me thinks i should push them all away. Make them get over the feelings. Make them not like or love me...

and yet, that hurts me too. Cause then i lose my best friends...

Damn this double edge sword...