Him...

Just... him

Any one that truly knows me knows who Im talking about.

If you dont. Dont ask. 

Because I dont want to retell the tale. 

All i know is that seeing him last night did not one good thing to my heart. 

I honestly wanted to stab myself in the heart...

Then maybe it wouldnt feel the way it did...

No, not pain, per se.

More like.. the constant want of the one thing that is so very bad for you. 

The one thing you shouldnt have.

That same fire that has burned you time and time again.

And you still touch it.

Because you are an idiot. 

I saw him.. and almost convinced myself to drink myself into oblivion. 

Almost

I have more self control than that. 

Nor do i feel the need to self medicate. 

I can deal with all those emotions completely sober. I may not want to, But I can. 

He wants to talk... But I cant. 

I just cant. I cant talk to him because of how so desperately bad i want to talk to him and i KNOW it would be wrong and wouldnt  end well. 

And I cant take that Risk. 

Now when I have Brian. He is too good to risk. 

I wish i had a grace period...

Where I could do whatever the hell I wanted... But still be able to have my Brian. 

But, thats called cheating. And I am so far above that. 

But everything in my heart is screaming to go see him

While everything in my head is like Hell to the Muh' Fuckin No. 

....

This is why I want to stab myself in the heart. 

Then maybe it will stop sending me mixed signals. 

He will push me to drink...

If he sticks around. 

He will push me to find any and every way to relieve myself of thoughts of him

Which could be very, very bad. 

Mommy...

All my life, All my life I have wanted to be a mommy. When I was a little girl, I had more baby dolls then I could count and I took care of each and every one of them as if they were alive.
When I was 8, Ethan was born and there started me on the road to a life constantly full of children. My heart wrapped around one child or another. Its dawned on me that even since Ethan, there has never been a year that I wasnt taking care of one child or another.
I love my children. They are my whole world. Every child I've ever cared for. People use to always call me "a good little mommy" and/or "mommy number 2"

I use to dream, for years, about being a psychologist. Well, I dont want to do that anymore.
My second passion was Criminology. My goal was FBI. That was the career I was aiming for. But with research and questions and just plain common knowledge... I became torn with my two greatest passions.

Children, and Criminal Justice.

I battled with myself for a good year, trying to decide what I wanted more; to work for a kick ass career and be a kick ass, independent, rule the world type of woman......

Or be a mommy....

I felt like I was tearing my heart apart... Trying to chose.

Because if I were to chose the career, I wouldnt have children. Not because I couldnt, but cause I wouldnt. I refuse to be the parent that sticks their kids in a daycare for nearly 12 hours a day... I want to raise my babies. ME. Not some institution or someone else who runs a daycare out of their house.
No. Not after my mother was a stay at home mom. Well, work at home mom. But either way, she was home. All the time. MY MOTHER actually raised me. Not someone else. I want to give that to my children.

So, i battled. Career? Motherhood? Career? Motherhood?

I think, it was a given... I chose Motherhood. I cant not be a mommy. Children are my greatest passion. I switched my education to go in a direction to focus on children. So even if i have to wait to have my own, I will have the love to give to other children. Then, I can possibly incorporate my own children into whatever I am doing.

I want to open a daycare. Working at the daycare I work at now has given me so many ideas. Things to do and things to NOT do. Cause man some of their rules get on my damn nerves. But thats not important.

What is important is following the biggest part of my heart. Which is surrounded by the sticky little hand prints of small children.

Ethan, Sarah, Makayla, Bella, Emma, Abbey, Reece, Iman, Bella, Sebastian, Alex, Cody and All the other little ones in the 2yo rooms and all the classrooms. Every little child that I get to smile while looking over Mommy or Daddies shoulder in the store or sitting in a restaurant.

My heart smiles. Why I thought I wanted anything else, I dont know. Criminal Justice will be a secondary passion always. I will always read, watch and learn, because I like it.

But I will give it up, the career, willingly, so I can be a mommy.

Because that is what I live for. For the day I can hear that cry, See that smile, hear that giggle and hear that one word.... "mommy" come from a small beautiful brown baby.

Perhaps its a shame... that at the ripe old age of 19, my internal clock is ticking. I want to wait, because there are things I want to do as a young adult... But I so badly want to be a mommy too... Im dont bein a kid.

My thoughts... take em or leave em.

Take it like a Soldier, dont cry

Introducing, my favorite female artist

Melanie Fiona!

Whos song has been adopted as my anthem:

Bang Bang- Melanie Fiona

I also love this song... which will be introduced to whomever I marry, before i marry him, just so he knows what hes up against ;) 

Because, you know, dont want them to be blind. Gotta make sure they can hold up their end of the bargain 

hahahahahahahaha

There is always a song for every personality. Melanie's music speaks to me. Shes so real. She doesnt sensor or hide. She sings about real shit. 

Like, how you better give it to me right. 

:D 

Take Off Your Halo...

I sit back sometimes, and i have to laugh...

I always find it so amusing how people dig into my life. 

Like, am I really that interesting? 

I didnt use to think so. 

I was always that fly under the radar kind of girl

Not one for drama, not one for confrontation. 

And yet, it finds me. 

Mom told me the other day that I should be cautious of Aaya. Which I found to be funny cause when I had seen her at school last, she had acted funny, didnt even give me a hug or ask about Steven and I...

So i was like.. ok.. red flag much? 

So when Mom said what she said I had to laugh. 

She told me that Steven told her that Him and Aaya had been hanging out, and that someone had been telling him what Ive been saying about him on my FB. 

Hmm...

Ok. Well that would only be but so many people. 

So Aaya would be my first guess,

Jessica would be my second guess. 

And its not that I dont want him to know what Im saying. I honestly dont care. I have nothing to hide. But I do care about whoever is playing the role of snitch. They gots to go. I dont have time for all that mess. 

At least be honest with it. 

If you dont agree with something I did, be a man/woman about it and say so. 

Dont smile in my face and creep behind my back. 

Although, guess, as far as Aaya is concerned, I am kinda creepin behind her back. 

think Brian and I have made in painfully obvious whats happening. 

And as of the last time I spoke to her, shes still in love with him.

So i suppose she prolly sees it as me stealing him from her.

I guess she thought she still stood a chance. 

I know how that feels. I use to think I stood a chance with Josh until he up and got married. And even though we had been apart for so long, it was still crushing. 

So I would understand how she felt. 

Even though... you know... Brian was mine before Aaya ever came into the picture. 

you know.. just sayin

IDK. 

I have no legit proof. Though I do think shes trying to get with either Keenan or Steven. 

Keenan is a OH HELL TO THE MUH FUCKIN NO. 

idgaf what she does with Steven. 

Cant Help But Wait....

Everybody loves the weekends. Loves to be able to sleep in a lil and relax. 

Slowly sip on coffee, maybe read the paper, catch up on all those DVR'd shows you didnt have time to watch. 

Or just plain and simply actually spend some time with your family. 

Well, when I get married, move out, live with my wonderful husband

I just want to be able to have that day. That one day, to just enjoy his presence. 

Like in the song "Banana Pancakes"

Who doesnt want to just have a lazy day with their other half?

Especially a rainy day, no one wants to go outside. 

Lets just stay in bed, enjoy being with each other. Get up late, make breakfast together, forget we even have phones. 

What woman doesnt want to feel cherished like that? 

I know I do. 

I also happen to love banana pancakes. 

Its funny too because I hate pancakes. Like, normal pancakes. They make me gag. 

But I love banana pancakes (LOTS of bananas though), especially with some Nutella :) Mmmmmm

My favorite breakfast ever <3 

And Of course, the ever Sexy Keith Urban and his song

"Rainin On Sunday"

Ive always loved this song. Wake up on a Sunday... oh? its pouring rain? 

Its cold? 

I wouldnt know, curled up next to my man, all warm and safe. 

Let it rain, pour, storm like crazy

Ive got all the shelter I need, right here. 

All the love in the world to keep me warm <3

*sigh*

Such a hopeless romantic. 

Setting myself up for heartbreak :/

Or at least disappointment. 

Oh well.

sex

IS OVERRATED. 

lol random, I know. 

This blog topic came from a very amusing conversation i had with some girls yesterday.

So allow me to restate...

Sex is overrated. 

Seriously. 

Like, all this hype, like, people be addicted to that shit and Im just like... why?

I mean, dont get me wrong, sex is cool and all that. 

But addicted? 

Like... there be people that are all like "omg i couldnt go a week with out sex, let alone a year"

I mean... its not that hard, really. 

Ive gone weeks, months, over a year. 

Its ok. really. 

You're not gonna die. 

Like, after a while, you dont even think about it. 

You're just kinda like, you know, w/e

Idk, maybe the dudes from the other day were right lol

Maybe I just havent been with the right dude.

Been with the bitch niggas that dont wanna try the damn door swing.

LIKE WHO DOESNT WANT TO TRY TO DOOR SWING!??////

What.Ever.

Im not bitter. 

Really... 

lol

But yea. Sex is totally overrated.

ESPECIALLY.....

when...

you put in all that effort...

for no reward...

Its like makin the mouse run through the maze and not givin the poor thing the damn cheese. 

Soon that mouse gonna say fuck it and fuck you

especially after some 4 months of it. Then the mouse really gonna say fuck it and it might even try to attack you. 

So yea. fuck the smut books that I read, that shit dont really happen. Its all a lie.

One huge conspiracy. 

Especially with the whole hopeless romantic-ness too

thats a conspiracy too

cause that shit dont happen either. 

but im not bitter.

What? 

Where would you ever get an idea like that?

>_<

"I wanna grow something wild and unruly"

I love to write

It calms me

Just like how I love to color

Something about having a sort of physical exertion, no matter how small, to help me balance my thoughts, is calming. 

I havent written In a while. Life has been kinda crazy. Its leveling out now though. 

My newest semester started last week.

Spring Semester 2011

It hectic. Class and work 4 days a week, all day long, and just my one shift on fridays. 

I literally show up on campus no later than 9am

And dont leave until around 6pm. 

They are very long days. 

I think i will be alright though. 

Cause even though they are long days, I have a different motivation then Ive had before. 

And being busy means the days go by quicker as I count down first to August, then to November <3

I have decided what I am going to do about transferring

I am going to go to University of Phoenix and do their online Psychology program. 

Having spoken to the school several times and spoken to several other schools, both campus based and online,

this is the one I like the most. 

Something about it just calls and I want to go there. So that is that. 

No more questions or opinions. Thats what I am going to do, possibly come June. 

It will allow me to get a better job, and I can work school around work. 

I can do it. 

I know that. 

So far, this year has been a good year. I think it will continue to look up. 

Last year, i remember, everyone was so negative. And, for good reason, for most of us. 

This year though... this year holds something. 

Not quite sure what it is, but I know its good. Or at least the beginning of good :)

Even though most days I am tired. I am happy. 

I work towards my goals and I wait impatiently to see if the things I cant control will swing in my favor. 

If they do,

I am set 

:)